Weight Loss Journal Part 2

This has been a very bad week. On Tuesday I was feeling pretty crappy. I am seeing visions and fantasies of how my life can change but I am scared that they will NEVER come to fruition. I have built my imaginary world to escape the realites of my real one. "Somewhere out in the back of your mind is the real life and the life that you know". When I look in the mirror, I see how the years of compulsive overeating and it makes me sick. I know my body is changing but every now and again I llok at my body in the mirror and I am repulsed by it. So I was at the point where I did not want to do any work on my transformation. I know I had to do something to escape this feeling. My first inclination was to go on a eating binge and never look back. Instead I took a walk. It was not my usual 2 mile walk it was more like 1 mile instead.

On Thursday I got read the riot act about how my classes are going. I got some really negative feedback and it shook me a little bit. I guess all of these changes are scaring me. I look forward to the future way to much these days. It makes me angry that certain people cannot handle my personality. In the ultra conservative enviornment I find myself in really sucks and I am tired of playing by other people's rules and expectations.

Today was the worst of all, I get the riot act from my roomate about paying the rent on time. She doesn't really understand that I am struggling to make ends meet just like she is. To make myself feel better, I exercised for at least an hour thinking about times to come.

I am still going to go on doing what I have been. My first instinct is to say the hell with the negative feedback and the added pressure and stress I have been feeling lately. I mentioned that the years of compulsive overeating has done to my body. I would like to share something I wrote about two years ago. It is not a cry for help it is just something I wrote when I was at a very low point in my life.


The Mirror

As I look in the mirror, what do I see? I see me, no longer a child. I now have the face and body of a woman with a sad story to tell. My beautiful brown eyes have cried for many years a well of tears from the pain. They are now hollowed from many sleepless nights not wanting the monster of the dark to come. My nose, small and pudgy, has always smelled the stench of fear, anxiety, rage, anger, self-doubt and death. My small pink lips have never kissed a first true love; they have kissed too many fancy fools.

My arms, small with just a touch of flab, have never held a lover in them or felt the soft touch of a child’s tiny hand that says, “mommy.” My legs, thin and chicken like, have always run away from pain and pleasure, love and happiness, success and responsibility and have never walked alone in a garden and never stopped to smell each flower’s sweetness. My skin, pale white and slowly wrinkling with age, is ingrained with fading pink marks that will ever remind me of my once expanding frame because I stuffed it to fill the hollowness of my soul.

My body has been slowly dying for many years. It has never felt the warmth and tenderness of a man’s touch; hiding it from them because of its ugliness and shame. I have poisoned it with drugs and alcohol, now it is prone to disease because of my destructive ways. I now often live my life on the other side of the mirror, immersed in fantasy and fiction because my reality every day is made forever clearer.

Weight Loss Journal Part 1

Since I moved out of my parent's home in July a wonderful thing happened. My roommate noticed that I have been dropping some weight. So I decided to put in an effort and keep this going. I am in the process of a personal transformation both mind and body. Since July, I have lost at least 1 dress size, exercise every day and have been making better eating choices. However, there are some days that I forget to eat at all which I know is unhealthy. My goal is simple, I want to lose 50 pounds and get into shape by my 40th birthday next August.

I know there will be days where I will want to throw in the towel and just say forget it! I need the support of my friends old and new to keep me motivated. The motivation for me right now is seeing the fruits of my labor. I see small but subtle changes in my body. I am a very impatient person. I want to be thin like yesterday.

My weight and body image problems have plagued me for most of my life. I find it very inspirational that some people who are overweight have such positive body images. I guess I am caught in the perfect body trap. I am a little shallow so sue me!

I mentioned that I have seen some of the fruits of my labor. I was in a bar on Tuesday evening and my friend said to me that two guys that were sitting next to us could not take their eyes off my boobs. The only thing that sucked was that they were not attractive. Okay I am shallow so what! It made me feel good that men are looking at me. I never really had that because I used to dress in frumpy oversized clothes that did nothing for me.

I guess now since I am dropping the weight, I like to dress better and wear clothes that show a little more of my body (the men in my social circle seem to appreciate that) . I have also noticed that my libido has increased dramatically! I guess it is time I write more of my erotic fantasy stories and try and get them published!

My current profile picture is going to be the thing of the past very soon. Since the weight loss, I have grown my hair a little longer which my men friends like and I have added a lot of blonde highlights. By this time next year I hope to be thin and beautiful. If you have always been thin, I don't think you can TRULY understand the struggles and the stigmas associated with being overweight. I would encourage anyone out there who reads this to send me a message. Maybe together we can be a source of support for each other.

I know this time I WILL succeed because I have already seen my thinner self.

New Poem

One of the things I have discovered about myself lately is that I am a very passionate person. I guess this passion reflects in my poetry. I have often been criticized in the past that my poetry has been dark and depressing. Whatever!
I wrote this only this morning. It is for my soulmate whomever he is. I may have already met him or I may never meet him.

Can't Wait

My eyes can't wait to see your beautiful face again
My lips can't wait to touch yours
My arms can't wait to hold you and never let go
My hands can't wait to touch every part of your body
My body can't wait to love you
My heart can't wait until I have yours
My soul can't wait to be with you forever

Sorry To Be MIA!

Sorry friends I have not posted anything deep and with substance in a while. I have been experiencing a mild case of writer's block coupled with thoughts about how I can make my deepest dreams (that nobody knows about) become a reality. These thoughts and fantasies seem to be consuming me.

For now here what's going on. I started teaching on Monday and all the anxiety came back at once; the nausea the lump in my throat everything! I broke the ice by creating humor and my students seemed to enjoy it. I wasn't as prepared as I should have been there is always next time. In addition to teaching, I will be starting my certification classes on the 25th. Between teaching and classes it seems I will not have time for anything else.

I recently let a writer friend of mine read my manuscript. She suggested some changes. I recently re read the manuscript and I thought boy have I come a long way since I started writing in 2002. My goal of this book is to reach thoes who have survived what I have and continue to struggle on the path to recovery. I do not plan to write a best seller or make the best seller list (although that would be cool) but very unlikely. Now begins the intense task of editing and rewriting.

With all that is going on I am trying to look for the balance. Between teaching, taking classes and editing the book I need to find time for ME! If I don't all the work I did in recovery will be for not.

I Got This From Bi-Polar Princess

What type of person do you attract? Your Result: You attract artsy people! Those free spirited artists with great imaginations find you interesting. They are usually interesting themselves, so its not a bad thing, but they CAN be a bit wifty and choose odd goals. If you like life to always be a bit 'different' from the norm, but not too extreme in any one direction, these are the people for you. If you seek logical decision making skills and good money management, you may want to change something in the way you appear. Artsy people are fun for adventure and exploring, so, have fun! (smoking weed helps too)
You attract unstable people!
You attract geeks!
You attract Yuppies!
You attract rednecks!
You attract models!
What type of person do you attract? Quizzes for MySpace

10 Years Ago Today

I remember where I was when I got the tragic news. I was on vacation on Cape Cod. I remember saying to myself I can't believe this. She was taken way before her time. One the things I admired her for was her humanitarian work. Yes, she had style, grace and class but I will always remember her for her commitment to helping others who were less fortunate.

Apple Martinis, Beer and Toilet Bowls

Just wanted to thank all of my friends for the heartfelt birthday wishes. Here is how the day went. My roomate treated me to a nice birthday brunch (she also made me a chocolate chip cake) and a little shopping. After we got home, my mom called to wish me a happy birthday. After that I took a little nap until it was time for me to get ready to go out. I took a long hot bubble bath, dressed, curled my hair and put on makeup my friend Chris called. He told me that some people who have cut me out of their lives were going to be at the same place we were going. I was immediately concerned that trouble would erupt but I decided that the problem was theirs NOT mine.

We got to the bar about 9:30 and I immediately sucked down my first of MANY Budweiser's.

After two beers I was making idle chit chat with others at the bar and did some dancing. One of the ladies I was talking to said that the bartender (a little hottie) made a mean green apple martini. She asked the bartender to make me one (I didn't have to pay for it). It was delicious!

I had a couple more of these delicious babies. BIG MISTAKE!!! I should have known better that you don't mix hard liquor and beer especially if you did not eat before you left the house. Boy what an idiot I am! I look back and I am thinking fuck it, this day comes once a year and I am entitled to tie one on.

After I had another couple of beers, I heard the faint echo of the toilet bowl calling "Marie come to me".

So friends this is where I spent the end of the evening. After the first date with Mr. Toilet Bowl I went back to the bar and talked with my friends for about half an hour until my second date with Mr. Bowl. My friend took my keys until after I was finished my date. After the second date I had some diet soda and lots of water. Since I did not eat before I drank, I was staggering my way to my date with Mr. Bowl.

Two lessons here: one-do not mix beer and hard liquor and two-always eat before a night of heavy drinking. I know these lessons and I always practice them but Saturday I threw caution to the wind. I was fortunate enough to have people there who did not let me drink and drive until I sobered up! I got home about 3am and slept my hangover off for 12 hours.

All in all it was a good day. I am blessed to have good friends who care!