The Result of Bad Choices Part 1

It is 3am and I am still awake. As I was lying in my bed desperately trying to sleep, the same question kept popping up: why am I still in the same place? Then it occurred to me : maybe it is because I have made some bad choices.

I guess it started many years ago when I made my career choice. I was so desperate for my father's attention and approval that I would do anything to please him. When I was growing up, my father paid a lot of attention to one of my cousins. This attention made me furious because I felt (and still do) that his attention should have been focused more on me and my brother. This cousin chose to pursue a business degree. So I figured when I decided to back to college a business degree was the way to go.

I had problems from the start. I had to take some time off due to a car accident. After the recovery, I had to find a job to catch up on bills and start saving to go back. I had trouble getting back into the swing of college life and my grades showed it. I took classes like calculus and statistics. Judging from the grades I received and statements made by my instructors it seemed to me that I had made the wrong choice. I was stubborn and decided to press on. Many years and several dead end jobs later, I finally realized that they were right. It did not help matters much that I had low concentration and battling depression due to issues that were coming to the surface. I will deal with those in another post on my other blog.

I barely got by and graduated. I mentioned I have had several dead end jobs since graduating college. Now I understand why they were dead end: I did not (and still don't) love what I was doing. Now let's move on to present circumstances.

I find myself broke and have no full time job. Between my part time position at H&R Block and unemployment it is not enough to meet ALL of my monthly expenses. If some of you remember I had a job at a local casino but was terminated due to the fact the the fat cats did not want to pay the finder's fee to the agency. After that I chose NOT to work in the gaming industry ever again and not to get ahead in business. It is so cuthroat and dishonest and I just don't want to put up with all of that bullshit!

This post is not to solicit sympathy. I alone realize I got myself into this and take responsibility for the bad choices I have made. I feel like I am stuck in a profession that does not work for me anymore (not that it ever did). I feel like I am trapped with no way out.