I just have one thing to say-I am so glad Thanksgiving is over! On turkey day I ate whatever I wanted ,filled myself with lots of alcohol and I even got propositioned! How cool is that?
On Saturday my friend left for California and she took my out to brunch. I did make some very healthy food choices! I started off with lots of veggies and fish! The second time however, I got some eggs and hash browns Yum Yum! I figured to myself it is a holiday weekend and I need to indulge myself just a little bit! On Saturday night I had holiday leftovers but I limited myself to very small portions!
I went out Saturday evening and while I tried on a couple of outfits they did not work! I kept looking at myself in the mirror and did not like what I saw! So here I am on Sunday afternoon getting myself back on track! I am going to do an intense workout today so all the stuff I ate (healthy or not) won't catch up with me! I guess I am always going to be haunted by this body image thing! CRAP!!!!!!
I did stick to the no sweets resolution because I did drink a lot of alcohol on turkey day! So the weekend was not a total bust! I hope everybody had a wonderful turkey day!
I am not really looking forward to the next holiday coming up! People can get really weird during the holiday season. With the support of my "inner circle" I think I will be okay!
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Weight Loss Journal Part 5
There is a lot to tell! For the last couple of months I have been helping a friend get out of an abusive relationship. I was amazed how I managed to help my friend and also pursue my weight loss goals. I am happy to report that my friend now has left that situation and is in a safe place. She is now making plans to move to California after Thanksgiving to start her new life and I couldn't be happier for her!
However, now I am starting to see some of the fallout of this and for a few days it has got me a little depressed. I have not excercised in a few days and I started to fall back into some old patterns. I then stopped and thought to myself hey I had nothing to do with this directly, I was just helping a friend in need! So needless to say now I am back on track!
As we know the holiday season is approaching and I am concerned because I love to eat during this time of the year. I am concerned that I will binge eat and destroy the progress I have made. I know however, that if I eat in moderation and exercise regularly, I should be okay for the holiday season! I will strive to make better food choices and lay off sweets. I did have half of a chocolate chip cookie and it was yummy! I guess the key to this is exercising some control and eat to live and not live to eat which was such a pattern in my life!
I basically ate to fill the voids in my life. I NEVER want to go back to that place again! I also compulsively overate to survive and cope with certain situations in my life. You will ALL figure it out when the book is published.
The book is done! I uploaded my files and designed the cover. All I need now is to take some head shots for the back cover and it is good to go!
I am going to need a lot of support and advice on how to stick to my goals during the holiday season. So if any of you diet and fitness gurus out there have any suggestions please feel free to leave a comment or a message!
I wish all my friends a Happy Thanksgiving
However, now I am starting to see some of the fallout of this and for a few days it has got me a little depressed. I have not excercised in a few days and I started to fall back into some old patterns. I then stopped and thought to myself hey I had nothing to do with this directly, I was just helping a friend in need! So needless to say now I am back on track!
As we know the holiday season is approaching and I am concerned because I love to eat during this time of the year. I am concerned that I will binge eat and destroy the progress I have made. I know however, that if I eat in moderation and exercise regularly, I should be okay for the holiday season! I will strive to make better food choices and lay off sweets. I did have half of a chocolate chip cookie and it was yummy! I guess the key to this is exercising some control and eat to live and not live to eat which was such a pattern in my life!
I basically ate to fill the voids in my life. I NEVER want to go back to that place again! I also compulsively overate to survive and cope with certain situations in my life. You will ALL figure it out when the book is published.
The book is done! I uploaded my files and designed the cover. All I need now is to take some head shots for the back cover and it is good to go!
I am going to need a lot of support and advice on how to stick to my goals during the holiday season. So if any of you diet and fitness gurus out there have any suggestions please feel free to leave a comment or a message!
I wish all my friends a Happy Thanksgiving
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Weight Loss Journal Part 4
I usually wait until Friday to post but I feel compelled to share right now! Today was a so so day. I started off with 1 egg and a piece of whole grain toast with a full glass of water. For dinner I had a little bit of pasta with a salad of grapes, oranges, red onions and iceberg lettuce and a full glass of water. Not bad eh?
I was getting ready to teach this evening and I was bitterly disappointed with my choice of outfits. It made me look and feel frumpy. My pants and shirt were floating on me. I really felt bad and a little depressed about the whole thing but I could not go teach my class with this kind of mindset. So I had to TRY and get over it!
When I came home, I ate and checked my messages. I had to make myself feel better. I really did not feel like a workout. This was one of thoes days where I just wanted to throw in the towel and say the hell with it! I knew in the back of my mind though that if didn't walk or workout I kne I would regret it. So I just did my workout.
The one thing I am beginning to find out about exercise-it makes me feel better all around. It keeps me from going into a depressive funk which I have been known to do every now and again. I remain positive and hopeful that my future is just around the corner.
I have given so much of my life away to depression, anxiety and fear. I am trying to build a life from nothing. It seems however that it is slowly coming together.
I was getting ready to teach this evening and I was bitterly disappointed with my choice of outfits. It made me look and feel frumpy. My pants and shirt were floating on me. I really felt bad and a little depressed about the whole thing but I could not go teach my class with this kind of mindset. So I had to TRY and get over it!
When I came home, I ate and checked my messages. I had to make myself feel better. I really did not feel like a workout. This was one of thoes days where I just wanted to throw in the towel and say the hell with it! I knew in the back of my mind though that if didn't walk or workout I kne I would regret it. So I just did my workout.
The one thing I am beginning to find out about exercise-it makes me feel better all around. It keeps me from going into a depressive funk which I have been known to do every now and again. I remain positive and hopeful that my future is just around the corner.
I have given so much of my life away to depression, anxiety and fear. I am trying to build a life from nothing. It seems however that it is slowly coming together.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Weight Loss Journal Part 3
It was a very uneventful week. After the somewhat negative feedback I recieved last week I can be proud of the fact that I did not give into old patterns. This tells me that a change has been made.
I have noticed lately that I have some definition in my legs and thighs. I guess all of the walking I have done is FINALLY starting to pay off!!! I am long away from reaching all of my goals. I guess I have to take it one day at a time. This will be hard for me because as I have said before I am VERY impatient I want this weight gone like right now!!!!
I am also changing some of the ways I eat. I take smaller portions and it seems to fill me up just fine. I will give you an example. Sunday my roommate cooked a wonderful brunch. I had a spoonful of eggs, 1 slice of bacon and 1 slice of whole wheat toast. I also had several chunks of cantalope and honeydew melon. Yum Yum! After about an hour after that I went out and walked for about 90 minutes. I feel so much better after I excercise. It really keeps me motivated. This coming from ME who HATES to excercise. The tradeoff is I am seeing some results.
Other things have changed. Instead of drinking SEVERAL cans of soda a day I am drinking more water and juice. I have also reduced my salt intake. By force of habit I always covered my food with additional salt. Now I hardly reach for the salt shaker anymore. At night after I come home from teaching I usually have a sandwhich either turkey or chicken salad on whole grain bread.
All of these things I am doing have great health benefits. I am reducing the risk of heart disease and diabetes both of which run in my family.
So this is going to be a SLOW process but in the end if I am thin and healthy it will ALL be worth it.
I have noticed lately that I have some definition in my legs and thighs. I guess all of the walking I have done is FINALLY starting to pay off!!! I am long away from reaching all of my goals. I guess I have to take it one day at a time. This will be hard for me because as I have said before I am VERY impatient I want this weight gone like right now!!!!
I am also changing some of the ways I eat. I take smaller portions and it seems to fill me up just fine. I will give you an example. Sunday my roommate cooked a wonderful brunch. I had a spoonful of eggs, 1 slice of bacon and 1 slice of whole wheat toast. I also had several chunks of cantalope and honeydew melon. Yum Yum! After about an hour after that I went out and walked for about 90 minutes. I feel so much better after I excercise. It really keeps me motivated. This coming from ME who HATES to excercise. The tradeoff is I am seeing some results.
Other things have changed. Instead of drinking SEVERAL cans of soda a day I am drinking more water and juice. I have also reduced my salt intake. By force of habit I always covered my food with additional salt. Now I hardly reach for the salt shaker anymore. At night after I come home from teaching I usually have a sandwhich either turkey or chicken salad on whole grain bread.
All of these things I am doing have great health benefits. I am reducing the risk of heart disease and diabetes both of which run in my family.
So this is going to be a SLOW process but in the end if I am thin and healthy it will ALL be worth it.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Weight Loss Journal Part 2
This has been a very bad week. On Tuesday I was feeling pretty crappy. I am seeing visions and fantasies of how my life can change but I am scared that they will NEVER come to fruition. I have built my imaginary world to escape the realites of my real one. "Somewhere out in the back of your mind is the real life and the life that you know". When I look in the mirror, I see how the years of compulsive overeating and it makes me sick. I know my body is changing but every now and again I llok at my body in the mirror and I am repulsed by it. So I was at the point where I did not want to do any work on my transformation. I know I had to do something to escape this feeling. My first inclination was to go on a eating binge and never look back. Instead I took a walk. It was not my usual 2 mile walk it was more like 1 mile instead.
On Thursday I got read the riot act about how my classes are going. I got some really negative feedback and it shook me a little bit. I guess all of these changes are scaring me. I look forward to the future way to much these days. It makes me angry that certain people cannot handle my personality. In the ultra conservative enviornment I find myself in really sucks and I am tired of playing by other people's rules and expectations.
Today was the worst of all, I get the riot act from my roomate about paying the rent on time. She doesn't really understand that I am struggling to make ends meet just like she is. To make myself feel better, I exercised for at least an hour thinking about times to come.
I am still going to go on doing what I have been. My first instinct is to say the hell with the negative feedback and the added pressure and stress I have been feeling lately. I mentioned that the years of compulsive overeating has done to my body. I would like to share something I wrote about two years ago. It is not a cry for help it is just something I wrote when I was at a very low point in my life.
The Mirror
As I look in the mirror, what do I see? I see me, no longer a child. I now have the face and body of a woman with a sad story to tell. My beautiful brown eyes have cried for many years a well of tears from the pain. They are now hollowed from many sleepless nights not wanting the monster of the dark to come. My nose, small and pudgy, has always smelled the stench of fear, anxiety, rage, anger, self-doubt and death. My small pink lips have never kissed a first true love; they have kissed too many fancy fools.
My arms, small with just a touch of flab, have never held a lover in them or felt the soft touch of a child’s tiny hand that says, “mommy.” My legs, thin and chicken like, have always run away from pain and pleasure, love and happiness, success and responsibility and have never walked alone in a garden and never stopped to smell each flower’s sweetness. My skin, pale white and slowly wrinkling with age, is ingrained with fading pink marks that will ever remind me of my once expanding frame because I stuffed it to fill the hollowness of my soul.
My body has been slowly dying for many years. It has never felt the warmth and tenderness of a man’s touch; hiding it from them because of its ugliness and shame. I have poisoned it with drugs and alcohol, now it is prone to disease because of my destructive ways. I now often live my life on the other side of the mirror, immersed in fantasy and fiction because my reality every day is made forever clearer.
On Thursday I got read the riot act about how my classes are going. I got some really negative feedback and it shook me a little bit. I guess all of these changes are scaring me. I look forward to the future way to much these days. It makes me angry that certain people cannot handle my personality. In the ultra conservative enviornment I find myself in really sucks and I am tired of playing by other people's rules and expectations.
Today was the worst of all, I get the riot act from my roomate about paying the rent on time. She doesn't really understand that I am struggling to make ends meet just like she is. To make myself feel better, I exercised for at least an hour thinking about times to come.
I am still going to go on doing what I have been. My first instinct is to say the hell with the negative feedback and the added pressure and stress I have been feeling lately. I mentioned that the years of compulsive overeating has done to my body. I would like to share something I wrote about two years ago. It is not a cry for help it is just something I wrote when I was at a very low point in my life.
The Mirror
As I look in the mirror, what do I see? I see me, no longer a child. I now have the face and body of a woman with a sad story to tell. My beautiful brown eyes have cried for many years a well of tears from the pain. They are now hollowed from many sleepless nights not wanting the monster of the dark to come. My nose, small and pudgy, has always smelled the stench of fear, anxiety, rage, anger, self-doubt and death. My small pink lips have never kissed a first true love; they have kissed too many fancy fools.
My arms, small with just a touch of flab, have never held a lover in them or felt the soft touch of a child’s tiny hand that says, “mommy.” My legs, thin and chicken like, have always run away from pain and pleasure, love and happiness, success and responsibility and have never walked alone in a garden and never stopped to smell each flower’s sweetness. My skin, pale white and slowly wrinkling with age, is ingrained with fading pink marks that will ever remind me of my once expanding frame because I stuffed it to fill the hollowness of my soul.
My body has been slowly dying for many years. It has never felt the warmth and tenderness of a man’s touch; hiding it from them because of its ugliness and shame. I have poisoned it with drugs and alcohol, now it is prone to disease because of my destructive ways. I now often live my life on the other side of the mirror, immersed in fantasy and fiction because my reality every day is made forever clearer.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Weight Loss Journal Part 1
Since I moved out of my parent's home in July a wonderful thing happened. My roommate noticed that I have been dropping some weight. So I decided to put in an effort and keep this going. I am in the process of a personal transformation both mind and body. Since July, I have lost at least 1 dress size, exercise every day and have been making better eating choices. However, there are some days that I forget to eat at all which I know is unhealthy. My goal is simple, I want to lose 50 pounds and get into shape by my 40th birthday next August.
I know there will be days where I will want to throw in the towel and just say forget it! I need the support of my friends old and new to keep me motivated. The motivation for me right now is seeing the fruits of my labor. I see small but subtle changes in my body. I am a very impatient person. I want to be thin like yesterday.
My weight and body image problems have plagued me for most of my life. I find it very inspirational that some people who are overweight have such positive body images. I guess I am caught in the perfect body trap. I am a little shallow so sue me!
I mentioned that I have seen some of the fruits of my labor. I was in a bar on Tuesday evening and my friend said to me that two guys that were sitting next to us could not take their eyes off my boobs. The only thing that sucked was that they were not attractive. Okay I am shallow so what! It made me feel good that men are looking at me. I never really had that because I used to dress in frumpy oversized clothes that did nothing for me.
I guess now since I am dropping the weight, I like to dress better and wear clothes that show a little more of my body (the men in my social circle seem to appreciate that) . I have also noticed that my libido has increased dramatically! I guess it is time I write more of my erotic fantasy stories and try and get them published!
My current profile picture is going to be the thing of the past very soon. Since the weight loss, I have grown my hair a little longer which my men friends like and I have added a lot of blonde highlights. By this time next year I hope to be thin and beautiful. If you have always been thin, I don't think you can TRULY understand the struggles and the stigmas associated with being overweight. I would encourage anyone out there who reads this to send me a message. Maybe together we can be a source of support for each other.
I know this time I WILL succeed because I have already seen my thinner self.
I know there will be days where I will want to throw in the towel and just say forget it! I need the support of my friends old and new to keep me motivated. The motivation for me right now is seeing the fruits of my labor. I see small but subtle changes in my body. I am a very impatient person. I want to be thin like yesterday.
My weight and body image problems have plagued me for most of my life. I find it very inspirational that some people who are overweight have such positive body images. I guess I am caught in the perfect body trap. I am a little shallow so sue me!
I mentioned that I have seen some of the fruits of my labor. I was in a bar on Tuesday evening and my friend said to me that two guys that were sitting next to us could not take their eyes off my boobs. The only thing that sucked was that they were not attractive. Okay I am shallow so what! It made me feel good that men are looking at me. I never really had that because I used to dress in frumpy oversized clothes that did nothing for me.
I guess now since I am dropping the weight, I like to dress better and wear clothes that show a little more of my body (the men in my social circle seem to appreciate that) . I have also noticed that my libido has increased dramatically! I guess it is time I write more of my erotic fantasy stories and try and get them published!
My current profile picture is going to be the thing of the past very soon. Since the weight loss, I have grown my hair a little longer which my men friends like and I have added a lot of blonde highlights. By this time next year I hope to be thin and beautiful. If you have always been thin, I don't think you can TRULY understand the struggles and the stigmas associated with being overweight. I would encourage anyone out there who reads this to send me a message. Maybe together we can be a source of support for each other.
I know this time I WILL succeed because I have already seen my thinner self.
Monday, October 01, 2007
New Poem
One of the things I have discovered about myself lately is that I am a very passionate person. I guess this passion reflects in my poetry. I have often been criticized in the past that my poetry has been dark and depressing. Whatever!
I wrote this only this morning. It is for my soulmate whomever he is. I may have already met him or I may never meet him.
Can't Wait
My eyes can't wait to see your beautiful face again
My lips can't wait to touch yours
My arms can't wait to hold you and never let go
My hands can't wait to touch every part of your body
My body can't wait to love you
My heart can't wait until I have yours
My soul can't wait to be with you forever
I wrote this only this morning. It is for my soulmate whomever he is. I may have already met him or I may never meet him.
Can't Wait
My eyes can't wait to see your beautiful face again
My lips can't wait to touch yours
My arms can't wait to hold you and never let go
My hands can't wait to touch every part of your body
My body can't wait to love you
My heart can't wait until I have yours
My soul can't wait to be with you forever
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