Friday, October 26, 2007

Weight Loss Journal Part 2

This has been a very bad week. On Tuesday I was feeling pretty crappy. I am seeing visions and fantasies of how my life can change but I am scared that they will NEVER come to fruition. I have built my imaginary world to escape the realites of my real one. "Somewhere out in the back of your mind is the real life and the life that you know". When I look in the mirror, I see how the years of compulsive overeating and it makes me sick. I know my body is changing but every now and again I llok at my body in the mirror and I am repulsed by it. So I was at the point where I did not want to do any work on my transformation. I know I had to do something to escape this feeling. My first inclination was to go on a eating binge and never look back. Instead I took a walk. It was not my usual 2 mile walk it was more like 1 mile instead.

On Thursday I got read the riot act about how my classes are going. I got some really negative feedback and it shook me a little bit. I guess all of these changes are scaring me. I look forward to the future way to much these days. It makes me angry that certain people cannot handle my personality. In the ultra conservative enviornment I find myself in really sucks and I am tired of playing by other people's rules and expectations.

Today was the worst of all, I get the riot act from my roomate about paying the rent on time. She doesn't really understand that I am struggling to make ends meet just like she is. To make myself feel better, I exercised for at least an hour thinking about times to come.

I am still going to go on doing what I have been. My first instinct is to say the hell with the negative feedback and the added pressure and stress I have been feeling lately. I mentioned that the years of compulsive overeating has done to my body. I would like to share something I wrote about two years ago. It is not a cry for help it is just something I wrote when I was at a very low point in my life.

The Mirror

As I look in the mirror, what do I see? I see me, no longer a child. I now have the face and body of a woman with a sad story to tell. My beautiful brown eyes have cried for many years a well of tears from the pain. They are now hollowed from many sleepless nights not wanting the monster of the dark to come. My nose, small and pudgy, has always smelled the stench of fear, anxiety, rage, anger, self-doubt and death. My small pink lips have never kissed a first true love; they have kissed too many fancy fools.

My arms, small with just a touch of flab, have never held a lover in them or felt the soft touch of a child’s tiny hand that says, “mommy.” My legs, thin and chicken like, have always run away from pain and pleasure, love and happiness, success and responsibility and have never walked alone in a garden and never stopped to smell each flower’s sweetness. My skin, pale white and slowly wrinkling with age, is ingrained with fading pink marks that will ever remind me of my once expanding frame because I stuffed it to fill the hollowness of my soul.

My body has been slowly dying for many years. It has never felt the warmth and tenderness of a man’s touch; hiding it from them because of its ugliness and shame. I have poisoned it with drugs and alcohol, now it is prone to disease because of my destructive ways. I now often live my life on the other side of the mirror, immersed in fantasy and fiction because my reality every day is made forever clearer

Friday, October 19, 2007

Weight Loss Journal Part 1

Since I moved out of my parent's home in July a wonderful thing happened. My roommate noticed that I have been dropping some weight. So I decided to put in an effort and keep this going. I am in the process of a personal transformation both mind and body. Since July, I have lost at least 1 dress size, exercise every day and have been making better eating choices. However, there are some days that I forget to eat at all which I know is unhealthy. My goal is simple, I want to lose 50 pounds and get into shape by my 40th birthday next August.

I know there will be days where I will want to throw in the towel and just say forget it! I need the support of my friends old and new to keep me motivated. The motivation for me right now is seeing the fruits of my labor. I see small but subtle changes in my body. I am a very impatient person. I want to be thin like yesterday.

My weight and body image problems have plagued me for most of my life. I find it very inspirational that some people who are overweight have such positive body images. I guess I am caught in the perfect body trap. I am a little shallow so sue me!

I mentioned that I have seen some of the fruits of my labor. I was in a bar on Tuesday evening and my friend said to me that two guys that were sitting next to us could not take their eyes off my boobs. The only thing that sucked was that they were not attractive. Okay I am shallow so what! It made me feel good that men are looking at me. I never really had that because I used to dress in frumpy oversized clothes that did nothing for me.

I guess now since I am dropping the weight, I like to dress better and wear clothes that show a little more of my body (the men in my social circle seem to appreciate that) . I have also noticed that my libido has increased dramatically! I guess it is time I write more of my erotic fantasy stories and try and get them published!

My current profile picture is going to be the thing of the past very soon. Since the weight loss, I have grown my hair a little longer which my men friends like and I have added a lot of blonde highlights. By this time next year I hope to be thin and beautiful. If you have always been thin, I don't think you can TRULY understand the struggles and the stigmas associated with being overweight. I would encourage anyone out there who reads this to send me a message. Maybe together we can be a source of support for each other.

I know this time I WILL succeed because I have already seen my thinner self.

Monday, October 01, 2007

New Poem

One of the things I have discovered about myself lately is that I am a very passionate person. I guess this passion reflects in my poetry. I have often been criticized in the past that my poetry has been dark and depressing. Whatever!
I wrote this only this morning. It is for my soulmate whomever he is. I may have already met him or I may never meet him.

Can't Wait

My eyes can't wait to see your beautiful face again
My lips can't wait to touch yours
My arms can't wait to hold you and never let go
My hands can't wait to touch every part of your body
My body can't wait to love you
My heart can't wait until I have yours
My soul can't wait to be with you forever