Saturday, December 31, 2005


Has anybody seen this girl? She is 5ft1 about 120 pounds has blonde highlighted hair and has a killer smile. Beware she is armed and dangerous with Depakote and Zoloft and she will try to kick your butt if she is confronted. She and her family miss her and want her back. There will be a $1M reward for her return to self. Below is a list of other missing items along with her physical body due to armed and dangerous.

Off Meds-Eats Healthy / On-New diet the new see food diet

Off Meds-Functions Barely / On-Does not want to do SHIT!!

Off Meds-Has intense desire to write/ On-has not picked up pen and paper

Off/On-Still has no desire to go out; only when forced to.

Off Meds-No sense of self/On- still none but coping with it

Off Meds-Intense sex drive and extra lubrication/On-none and dry as a bone

Off Meds- Loud,Agressive and Abrasive and will flip you off/On- tame as cat

Off Meds-Mean and Rude full of fire and anger/On- PC

I sincerely hope that my true self is not gone forever. It seems I am my nasty self unmedicated. I miss the loud, agressive and implusive girl I used to be before medication. I miss this missing person and I wish for her safe return.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Collages and Flying Saucers

Hope everybody had a wonderful Christmas. Here is a picture of me chuggin a brewsky. Yum Yum! I look like a dork with the glasses. I am hoping that in the New Year I will have money to buy contacts again. Christmas was wonderful. I had a great time.

Christmas Eve we went to my brother's so we could open gifts. Cody and Joshua both got these remote control flying saucers. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen. They charged the batteries and they flew them all over the house. Lynette and I laughed hysterically.

The best gifts were colllages of the kids Lynette made. Mom and I both got a diffrent one. I have been having problems uploading these pictures when I fix the problem I will post the pics. There was one of just Brittany (rest in peace, we miss you) that was on the living room wall. For me these are the best kind of gifts; creative and home made.

Christmas day was very relaxed indeed. Woke up at 11:30 had coffee and opened presents. I got a nice pair of diamond earings from mom and a printer/scanner from dad. Later we went back to my brother's. Mom, Lynette and I just sat around kickin it while the guys watched football. Dinner was great with chocolate silk pie for desert. Yum Yum!! With 4 glasses of wine. I did not get sick with the Depakote. I am starting to feel a little change in my weight Crap!

Well, that was my holiday. I hope everybody had a wonderful day!!

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Thursday, December 22, 2005

Taking The Bad With The Good

Today was a pretty good day. Had another training session for my temp job and I am pleased to say that it went very well. Mom called and invited me to dinner. She made one of my favorites; roasted chicken Yum Yum! She made her home made stuffing and roasted potatoes More Yum! It seemed like old times. I can't remember the last time I had a REAL home cooked meal. It was all delicious. After dinner, mom and I cleaned up and then we watched some TV.

Heard from my insurance company today about the car, it is a total loss. I am freaking out about what I am going to do after I pay off the leinholder; I have a feeling that I will have a deficit and I will have to pay off the difference Fuck!

On another sour note, once again one of my former readers is making me trip. This person contends that they CANNOT and WILL NOT deal or associate with someone who has aggressive emotional disturbances. I was like they have not known me while off meds(there is aggressive) and that they should get off their high horses. I hold no ill will or hatred towards this person although this person contends that I do. Oh well opinions vary. They do not realize that I am mentally ill; nor do I think they really care; their minds are made up and there is nothing I can do to change that.

I am really thankful that I have my blog friends who ACCEPT my illness and who support me. I am doing everything in my power to treat it; although I am not 100% sure what the full diagnosis is yet. Stay tuned.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Feeling Better

Since Thursday's trauma, I have been feeling stiff and sore. I am glad to report today that I am feeling much better. My boobs still look like plums. I know TMI; do you think I give a shit?

I felt good enough to post my complete story The First Time on Miz E's La Femme Erotique and walk to the store for milk and Diet Pepsi. If you want to read the whole story the address is:

Shannin, read Blither's blog and it looks like you two had a kick ass weekend. Cool. Since I have no wheels I am house bound for a few days. Ah shit, who am I kidding, I go out only when I HAVE to.

Well, that's my ramble for today!

Friday, December 16, 2005

The poet laureate...NOT!


It seems that I cannot write lately. I have not written a poem since I have been on medications; this worries me. Has the creative part of my brain taken a nap? I don't know. I was working on a book now I am not sure if it will ever be finished.. It seems I cannot complete a complete thoght. Weird and crazy shit people. I am however going to share with you all apoem I wrote pre-medication called Behind The Smile. The picture I included was taken when I was late in my teens. I hope everybody enjoys the pic and the poem.

Behind the smile is denial
Caused by unspoken trial
Behind the smile pain hidden
Caused by betrayl and quiet driven
Behnind the smile is a mask
Removing it has been the hardest task
Behind the smile no one found out
Her soul now begins to live in doubt
Behind the smile it is fake
Her life is what's at stake
Behind the smile the heart now heals
Forgiveness and love for self it now feels

I hope you have all enjoy it. Soon I will create another blog dedicated to my poetry and my book. Now, this sleeping pill is starting to kick in so goodnight everybody. Take care Posted by Picasa

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The day from HELL!

I went to the clinic today to be evaluated. The man who evaluated me said he thinks I am not bi-polar. So, I have one doctor telling me I am and another telling me I am not. Can we please make up our minds? I am so aggravated and frustrated that I could kill someone. I think I need to get a third opinion. Ya think? I guess the reason for the no bi-polar is that I cannot clearly remember being in a state of "euphoria." Is that the ONLY red flag? From the research I have done, I think not. I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride and I cannot get off. Shannin, I will be calling you soon. I need someone to talk to about this. To anyone who does not believe I am ill or thinks I need to grow up, don't read this post. Because I will tell you to fuck off!

On the way home from the clinic, I was making a left hand turn and I got hit by two cars. The passenger side of my care is a mess and is totaled. Now I have no car to get to my training sessions and my new temporary job which starts in January. I bruised my right leg and hip and there are big bruises on my boobs. Ouch! The only positive thing I can say was that nobody was taken to the hospital. While the cop was writing the accident report, I got hit on by a guy on the street. He said that I was too beautiful to be single. I was like, leave me alone I am really not in the mood for cheesy pick up lines right now.

Well, that is it campers. I hope everybody had a better day than I did.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Things that piss me off!

As promised my shit list. This list is being compiled during day 4 of the insomnia marathon.  It was also compiled while watching reruns of Fresh Prince and cooking shows on Food Network and under the influence of Zoloft and Depakote. These are ramblings of a bi-polar socially dysfunctional mind.  A.K.A-Bitch, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

George W. Bush/Republicans-Need I say more!

Close minded people-Get your head out of your ass and join the 21st century!  Stop living in denial!

Bill Collectors-Take your “company policy” and stick it up your ass!  We are doing the best we can asswipes; as soon as we get our money you will get yours!

People who lay off others during the holidays-Have you had your caring bone surgically removed!  I think so.  Fuckers!

People who drive while holding their cell phones-Please use an earpiece.

Arrogance-Here is a reality break, yes your shit DOES stink!

Bible Beaters-These people are the biggest hypocrites of all.  You all are hiding something and you don’t live in the real world.  Take your high standards, callous rules, and judgments of others and stick them up you ass!  According to your “beliefs” God will judge us all so shut the fuck up!

People who cannot think for themselves-Please do not be lead, form YOUR own opinions and judgments.

Organized Religion-Used as a crutch by people who do not believe in themselves.  Is for people who are afraid to go to hell.  I will clue you in some of us have already been there!

Nosey People-Take care of your own business and get the fuck out of everybody else’s.  Does the word privacy mean anything to you? Apparently not.

Fake People-Please keep it real no matter what the cost! Tell us how you really feel.  Stop living in fear and hiding behind “professionalism.”

The status quo-What, are you assholes afraid of change?  Here’s a change for you, after 37 years, I finally know and accept what is wrong with me.  So, bite me!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Today and Tomorrow

Well, I had a very interesting day. I taught new tax advisors how to use the new computer system. I also had to lecture. This was a new experience for me; I was loaded with fear and anxiety because I did not what the fuck I was doing. I felt like throwing up, throwing my hands up and walking out. I felt like saying that you all are dealing with a crazy person.

I still have bill collectors up my ass! The same creditor has called me two days in a row. Is that harassment? I am not sure. She had the nerve to ask me can I borrow some money from friends or family. I wanted to say to her bitch are you on crack? Nobody has money right around the holidays get real!

Tomorrow I have to go to the mental health clinic and get some more meds. I am prepared to be there for most of the day. I hope they can help me. I will at some point have to apply for Medicaid since I have no insurance. I love dealing with the system; but if they can help so be it!

That's it!

Can't Sleep

It is 2am and I can't sleep. This is the third night in a row. Shit! I was watching the news this evening and I found some things that disturbed me.

I have been following a story about a woman who put white carpet in her yard so that her blind dog Juice could go in and out. The dog is really cute. What bothered me that her NOSEY neighbors complained to the home owner's association and she had to pay a fine. I just am wondering who looks in other people's yards? Have they heard about a thing called privacy; mind your own god dam business. The story ended that someone installed fake grass free of charge.

Second, the Lady Luck casino here in downtown Vegas has laid off several workers while they renovate. Management claims that it was a "business decision." What the fuck? Are these people on crack or what? My thoughts go out to the people and their families. As a many of us know, it sucks major ass getting laid off during the holiday season.

Well, this is my social injustice rant for today.

Friday, December 09, 2005

A Change of Pace

I need to not think about my bi-polar status for a bit and focus my talents on my stories and poems. I will say that my recent diagnosis will change the course of the book I am writing. I stopped doing research on bi-polar for today and decided to change the pace and mood a little bit.

This is an excerpt from a story I wrote a while ago. It is based on a erotic fantasy I have been having lately. I cannot publish the entire story due to it's pornographic nature. Sorry all you horny guys and gals out there. I hope this will put everybody including me in a better mood, I hope.

The First Time

She is sitting there with what seems to be her twelfth beer of the night. She clearly lost track after number four. She is making idle chit chat with others at the party when she sees him standing there in front of her. She smiles as he slowly sits on her lap. He takes her small face in his big hands and starts to kiss her. His kiss is warm, wet and passionate. As he continues to kiss her, her body begins to respond to his kiss like she never thought it would. He stops, and whispers softly in her ear that he wants to love her then gets up and quietly and leaves.

She is sitting there afterward shocked and dumbfounded. They had been the best of friends, working partners and creative soul mates. Every now and then she has fantasies of what it would be like to make love with him. She has dreams of those big soft hands touching her body and those beautiful blue eyes looking down at her; now her fantasy may become a reality it scares the hell out of her. She knew in her heart that up to this point that their relationship could only be platonic. She is not the kind of woman he would go for at all. He has always told her what is ideal woman should be, 5ft7, blonde with a slamming body. She is nothing like that; she is 5ft1, dark hair and her body fit but not slamming, this is what shocks her about what just happened a few moments ago.

As the night goes on, she is mingling with other party goers when she feels light headed. She excuses herself and heads out to the patio. He sees her go outside and decides to follow her. Once outside they both hear the patio door shut and lock.

"Someone wants us to be alone," she says. He smiles at her and says, " I think you are right."

They stand there for a few minutes and she says, "We should talk about what happened." He replies, "What's to talk about?" "A lot," she says. "You walk up to me, kiss me and tell me you want to make love to me, what the hell is that all about?" He replies, "I was dared. Please believe me when I tell you that the feelings are real." I never knew you felt this way," she says back. " How could you have known, you are so self-absorbed and wrapped up in your work that you can't see anything or anybody around you."

She is thinking he is right; she is totally preoccupied with work because up to now that is all she has.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

The day after

I spent today working on the acceptance phase of my illness. As I said yesterday this journey is FAR from over. Did not make it to the clinic today because I did not get up until 2:30 this afternoon. Holy Shit!

I did manage to drag my lazy ass out of bed, curl my hair and brush my teeth. Yippie! I also called Shannin. It was so good to finally talk with her. She shared with me what to expect on my medication and her experiences with my current pill cocktail. She is a great source of support and she lives here in Vegas so we can meet at some point in the future. Shannin, you rock girl!

I want to thank everybody for your support. It means more to me than you will ever know. I find it somewhat ironic that my support system is from people whom I never met and not my family. Oh well, life goes on. Everybody please take care!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

I am more messed up than I thought!

Went to the pdoc today and it was very interesting. I told him my history of emotional outbursts, chronic depression mixed with periods of "happiness," floating from job to job and he thinks I may have bi-polar. In addition to the Zoloft he prescribed Depakote to stabilize my mood. I got a month's supply of both meds. I am hopeful that he will give me a more accurate diagnosis. I have also thought I could be manic depressive. I am wondering what is the difference? This journey for me is far from over. Christ, how much more can I take? I need to find out EXACTLY what the fuck is wrong with me so I can get effective treatment and maybe just maybe have a shot at a life. I am so tired of living like this!

I am going tomorrow to the state mental health clinic on West Charleston to see if I qualify for mental health services without insurance. From what I read they provide services based on income so my out of pocket expenses would be minimized. I am also seriously considering applying for SS disability. I would like to wait until I have a clear accurate diagnosis before I pursue that option; but who knows how I will feel tomorrow. I just might wake up tomorrow and say fuck it I have had enough of this crap!

I want so much to feel better. It just seems hopeless at the moment. I am tired of being ill. As I have said before, I did not ask for this shit, I am just playing the hand I was dealt which SUCKS! I hope the Depakote will help me feel better. At this point, I am very doubtful. Only time will tell.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Religion vs Spirituality

My friend Melissa sent me this recent column from The Boston Globe. The gist of the column is this:

Religion is for people who are afraid to go to hell.

Spirituality is for people who have already been there.

I loved this so much that I wanted to share this with all my blog friends. I have been asking myself lately is there a difference between religion and spirituality. It looks like I got my answer. I think all of us who suffer from mental illness have been to hell and back again with no relief in sight. I have a real hard time with this concept of "religion." Organized religion for me personally is a bunch of bullshit. If it helps the masses get through life great! It just does not work for me. It is filled with dos and donts, callous rules and standards et cetera.

Spirituality on the other hand is a zest for life. It is a feeling of connection and being a part of the life around you. I have not achieved this yet. I don't know if I ever will.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Dear Santa

It has been a long time since I have written to you. I am grown up now (not really). My heart and brain have not grown up but my body has. When I was a little girl, I wrote to you every year listing everything I wanted you to bring me for Christmas: dolls, toys, games and my two front teeth. This year the list is not so simple it is very complicated.

*Please bring Shannin, Sid and Sans peace of mind, joy, comfort and happiness. They are hurting so much. I want them to be happy. Please cure them of their illness. Even though I have never met them, please let them know I care.

*Please cure all of us of our mental illness. Other people have no idea of what we live with every day of our lives. If you can't cure it, I will understand. If you could please lower the cost of our medications that would help.

*Please bring my family together. We had a death this year and this has torn us apart. I am sad that we are not close and functioning. Please help us heal.

*Please bring me belief in myself and the will to continue writing. I want to be successful at it. It makes me happy and I love to do it. Please bring me someone to love because I have been so lonely. Please bring me a new job. I need to pay the bills. Please help me to heal my broken heart because I need to live.

Santa, if you look into your crystal ball you will see that I am a good girl. It is my disease that makes me do and say not so good things. I will leave cookies and milk for you on Christmas eve. If they are gone in the morning, I will know you were here and that I got everything I wanted this year. If they are still there, I will have to wait another year.


Please make it stop!

I am so tired I want to break down and cry. It seems I am headed for a nervous breakdown. I am so depressed I don't know what to do. Is it really worth it?

Being unemployed and broke around the holidays is really making me trip. I have bill collectors up my ass all the time. I am trying to make them understand: look I am unemployed when I get back on my feet I will start paying you again so shut up and leave me alone! I guess they really don't give a shit they have to abide by "company policy." Bite me! I guess reality truly sucks.

I will have to go off my medication soon because I have no money to pay full price for my meds. The little money I do have has to go for food, telephone and electric. The money I got from my 401K has to last me a whole month. Ugh! I have to wait three weeks for a telephone interview to determine my eligibility for unemployment. I have the feeling that I will be denied since I was terminated then what am I going to do? I am not making a ounce of sense I know!

I guess the only thing I have to hold onto is writing. I am glad that my poetry is going to be published but it is the here and now that I am trying to cope with.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Back into the trenches of hell...AGAIN

This has been a very interesting week. Yesterday I had a interview with the district managers at the place I will be working come January and they offered me a position as a office manager. At first I was a little taken back because I really do not have any supervisory experience. During the course of the interview I was thinking to myself are they for real? Well, in my infinite wisdom I accepted the position. Afterwards, I said to myself what the hell was I thinking? They obviously see something in me and they believe in me. I guess people believe in me even if I don't believe in myself. I am beginning to think that this may be part of my problem. I don't know dick about making schedules, motivating others ect. Well, I guess I am going to learn eh? I am paralyzed by fear, anxiety and self-doubt things that have ruled my entire life. Since I have a multitude of social dysfunctions I am so afraid that I will not know how to handle certain situations. I guess it is going to be a challenge. Am I up for it though? This is the question that has been replaying in my mentally defective brain. Only time will tell.

In other news, I finished putting up my Christmas tree today. It looks pretty good. I am having a lot of lower back pain today. It hurts like a bitch! I have not had this kind of wrenching pain since before I had started losing my "excess baggage" over a year ago. Well, this defective is done rambling for one evening. I am going to go and work on part two of my story. I will try to have it posted by the end of the weekend. Everybody take care. Do a lot of drinking this weekend I'm going to. That's all folks