Tuesday, July 31, 2007

New Source Of Anxiety...Teaching!!

This evening I attended the first training session for new instructors. I felt sick to my stomach to the point of extreme nausea. I have not felt that kind of anxiety since my senior year in college. In that case I did hurl before taking a major exam. I was having a bi-polar moment, my thoughts were racing telling myself I can't do this, I am not competent to do this, My students will laugh at me so on and so on. My attention was diverted from the person teaching the class to my negative racing thoughts. After an hour of this, I eventually snapped out of it and tried to pay attention.

I have a history of severe anxiety. I usually avoid certain situations for fear of the unknown. During my adolescence, I locked myself in my room to survive abuse and social persecution. As an adult it was downright scary for me to go out into a social situation and be asked to interact with other people. This with time and therapy has gotten much better for me.

Onto the positive side of things. This experience will get me out of my comfort zone and build confidence. Long ago, when I started my healing journey, one of the goals I had was to do things that I felt uncomfortable doing. I am currently suffering from a bout of depression. I hope I can write and teach (with medication thrown in for good measure) my way out of this latest bout of depression and try to get stable once again.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

100 Posts And Still Going Strong!!

Well friends, this will be my 100th post on this blog. I recently read some of my previous posts and I am amazed how far I have come as a writer and poet.

I have made some major changes to this blog as far as style is concerned. I have also added some new people to the blog roll. Please click on the links to visit their blogs. I have been very fortunate to acquire new readers and I am returning the favor. I would like to welcome Princess Heidi, Lady Bird and Sarah to my blogroll.

Since I have made some life changes I figured that I might as well make blog changes as well. My profile picture is a butterfly and the butterfly symbolizes change.

I hope everybody has a great weekend!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Forgiveness And Healing

What does it mean to forgive? The dictionary gives us three definitions.

  1. To cease to feel resentment against an offender

2. To give up claim to requital from an offender

3. To grant relief from payment

From the last post on the poetry blog my faithful readers know what I am trying to forgive and heal from. Definition number 2 of forgiveness is what is hindering me to completeing the healing process and finally moving on with my life.

In The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis describe two elements of forgiveness. One is that we give up anger against the offender and no longer hold the offender to blame; you excuse them for what they did to you. Ellen Bass in one of her workshops said "Why Should You? First they steal everything else from you and then they want forgiveness too? Let them get their own. You've given enough." (I think Daily Dose can appreciate that statement).

The second is that you no longer try to get any form of compensation from the offender (an apology, acknowledgement of guilt, or financial). The first element is NOT crucial to healing but the second element is. It is the second element I am currently struggling with.

I had a conversation with my roomate and she offered an objective opinion. She told me that the people who have offended me have already moved on with their lives and if I am waiting for an ounce of validation or an apology I will never have the life I so richly deserve. She is RIGHT!

I realize now that this is the very thing that is hindering me in every aspect of my life. It is time to break free and let go. Some days I think I am almost there but then I stumble and fall. It is a work in progress.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Back In Vegas

Well friends I moved back to Las Vegas from Pahrump on Thursday. It has been an event filled week. On Monday I lost my job so you may ask how was I abel to move? Severance pay-which is almost gone because I had to rent a truck, pay 13 days rent and buy food. I am now closer to my friends and to potential job opportunities. I am glad I don't have to fill the tank every other day even though it appears that gas prices are coming down a little bit. The only mishap was returning the truck.

We were on Flamingo and Jones when the truck broke down. We had to wait at least an hour for a tow truck to arrive. I was not so much bothered by that as I was telling stupid people that I was broken down. If you have the hazard lights blinking what does that tell you? I got out of the truck at least a dozen times to inform people that I was broken down. By the fifth or sixth time I was REALLY annoyed. Oh well life goes on.

After the tow truck returned the breakdown to the UHAUL place, I talked to the manager about some compensation for my aggravation. The only things they could do was to not charge me for gas and they took only $10.00 off my rental charges. I saw that this paticular truck had a recent history of breakdowns as early as Tuesday of this week. Knowing this my roomate suggested that I write a letter asking them to refund me my rental charges because they rented me faulty equipment.

The first night in my new home was interesting. I did not sleep well because I had some animal issues. My new roomate has two small puppies (they are very cute). The problem was that they did not leave my cat Duke alone. I had to hold and pat him for a good portion of the night. It got to the point that Duke began growling and hissing at the puppies. I knew then Duke was PISSED! I had to ask my roomate to take the puppies in her room so that Duke would calm down and that I could get some sleep.

Spent most of the day on Fri/Sat unpacking, and resting. I did have to rent a TV. One of the things I had to leave behind (in addition to the $50 they owe me) at my brother's house was my TV set because I could not fit it in my car on the day I was thrown out. As soon as I start getting posotive cash flow again (either by working or collecting unemployment) is saving for a new TV.

Not much else to tell except that I am glad this move is over. I hope I will not have to move again for a little while.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

A Tale of Dishonesty

Well friends once again I am unemployed. I was served with my walking papers yesterday. There is a story here which I will be only to glad to tell. Here is how it went down.

I was called into the GM's office about 4:30 yesterday afternoon at which time he informed me that I was being terminated due to the fact that he recieved a bill from the placement agency for $6000.00 which he refused to pay. He went on to tell me that it is not the policy of the Westin to hire employees through placement agencies. If they had known I was from an agency they would not have hired me to begin with. So after I left, I called the agency to tell them what happened and I found out something VERY interesting. It turns out that the accounting manager (my former boss) called the agency looking to fill a position and I was available. She knew damn well that it was an agency who sent me to her and she hired me on the spot without going through proper channels. This tells me two things: one she lied right to my face and two she superceeded the chain of command because she was in desparate need to fill the position(if the hiring through agencies policy is accurate). So I asked the agency to do some investigation into this. I found out today that despite the agency bill that they were going to terminate me because they (manager and supervisor both of which I think are two faced bitches) felt that I was not picking up the work quick enough. My former boss also told me that I would have a check waiting for me today and all I had to do is come by and pick it up. So I went to by there (drove all the way from Pahrump) and there was no check there for me. As it turns out the HR director was informed of my termination this morning so she really did not have time to process a final check for me. I also asked to speak to her regarding the hiring through agencies and she did not have an answer to my question.

The way this was done was utterly dishonest and dispicable as far as I am concerned. If they were concerned about me picking up the work (after only 30 days, gimme a break)they should have told me up front instead of lying to me and playing mind games with me. This I will not condone. I am left to wonder how many others they haved fucked over in the past. This is not a kind of company I want to work for anyway. So I lost my job and the agency lost $6000.00 in revenue. How many more people will they fuck over until they get it right?

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

For Sid

This post is dedicated to my friend Sid. I just want to say to her that she is not alone.

The Dream

The dream comes to me in my bed and in the dark of night,
Every time it came, it would cause me fright.
In the dream, someone comes to my bed, breathes in my ear
and down my neck, I tried to scream what the heck!
The dream tries to grab hold of me and I try to fight back,
I am weak strength is what I lack.
I try to scream for mommy but the scream does not come,
I wanted to leap out of my bed and begin to run.
After the dream came, I forced to wake from a peaceful sleep
I tried to go back counting sheep.
I tried to fall back into slumber and the dream returns again,
Some day the dream will stop but for now, I wonder WHEN?

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

I Can See Clearly Now...But The Rain Is Still Here

Looking back on some of my previous posts coupled with my current behavior I can clearly see now that I have shifted into a state of depression. The triggers you may wonder are this family bullshit that I have been forced to deal with and the fact I am still living with my parents and starting a brand new job. In regards to the new job, I am struggling with the fact that I am punching a timeclock again as opposed to being on salary. It is a difficult adjustment to make. I am trying so hard to put this family crap behind me and "see past you to the white sands" but it is difficult when I am being constantly being blamed for things that are NOT my fault. Grow the fuck up assholes and take some responsibility for your actions!!! My mother keeps telling me to forget about it and move on. I am an intense individual and I feel things diffrently than others and I sometimes get really freaked out.

The results are clear to me. I have been sleeping more and more lately. I have seen changes in my eating habits which have caused me to gain some weight. I have not taken care of myself (personal hygiene). I know the hygiene part sounds really gross but that is what depression does; you stop caring about yourself because you think things will never get better. I go out of the house only to go to work and then I come home and play with my cat or sit on the computer and play games or blog. I am smoking a little more which I KNOW is not a good thing! It seems that I am less and less social these days which is also not a good thing. I am an extrovert by nature more so when I have had a few. So now I know without a doubt that I am experiencing a bout of depression. I just thought I was being more lazy than usual.

Even though I know this shall pass (how long this depression will last I don't know). I still feel a little hopeless. The only real thing I have to look forward to is my impending move back to Vegas in about 2 weeks. I hate this crap! It is not my intention to whine or create drama (remember no drama here). I am trying to understand why I feel the way I feel.