Looking back on some of my previous posts coupled with my current behavior I can clearly see now that I have shifted into a state of depression. The triggers you may wonder are this family bullshit that I have been forced to deal with and the fact I am still living with my parents and starting a brand new job. In regards to the new job, I am struggling with the fact that I am punching a timeclock again as opposed to being on salary. It is a difficult adjustment to make. I am trying so hard to put this family crap behind me and "see past you to the white sands" but it is difficult when I am being constantly being blamed for things that are NOT my fault. Grow the fuck up assholes and take some responsibility for your actions!!! My mother keeps telling me to forget about it and move on. I am an intense individual and I feel things diffrently than others and I sometimes get really freaked out.
The results are clear to me. I have been sleeping more and more lately. I have seen changes in my eating habits which have caused me to gain some weight. I have not taken care of myself (personal hygiene). I know the hygiene part sounds really gross but that is what depression does; you stop caring about yourself because you think things will never get better. I go out of the house only to go to work and then I come home and play with my cat or sit on the computer and play games or blog. I am smoking a little more which I KNOW is not a good thing! It seems that I am less and less social these days which is also not a good thing. I am an extrovert by nature more so when I have had a few. So now I know without a doubt that I am experiencing a bout of depression. I just thought I was being more lazy than usual.
Even though I know this shall pass (how long this depression will last I don't know). I still feel a little hopeless. The only real thing I have to look forward to is my impending move back to Vegas in about 2 weeks. I hate this crap! It is not my intention to whine or create drama (remember no drama here). I am trying to understand why I feel the way I feel.
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14 comments:
Marie,
Are you taking antidepressants? While family stuff and your job are certainly enough to trigger a depression, is there any way for you to get medication so that you don't have to suffer?
Then, once you're stable you can deal with the issues you need to. Anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone.
Susan
My medical insurance does not kick in until September. I have taken almost every anti-depressant there is. They make me feel better for a while then they ware off.
I want to talk to a psychologist and maybe they can put me on mood stabllizers. I was thinking about Topomax or Lithium.
Thanks Susan your support means so much.
Hi Marie,
Life is not a bed of roses, it never will. What you are undergoing is a mere transition. Just hold on and learn to cope with the changes. I know it's hard because of your conditions. People may not always understand you, even the closest people around you, like your parents. Just try to understand that each person is carrying a load of his own, and in his eyes, it is the most burdensome.
But there are people who wish you well and are praying for you. I'm one of them. I always include you in my nightly prayers. And I know the Lord will answer our prayers and you will overcome all these trials.
The light of day is nearer than you think. Just hold on and pray.
God bless you with all the wonderful things in life.
Hi Marie,
I could not link with your other blog. I already used the url address you emailed me but I still could not link with it. Have you changed the url address of your other blog too? I'm dying to read your poems. Please.
God bless.
Mel, thanks for your heartfelt words of encouragement.
I sent you an e-mail with the poetry blog address. Please let me know if you have any more problems.
Family crap is one of the worst things for people to deal with let alone those of us with mental health issues.
It certainly makes it worse that you are living with your parents. We did that for a time and it was constant fighting. I hope things improve once you're back in Vegas.
As for mood stabilizers--I have found great luck with Trileptal. It's rock star for me.
The internet is such a great way for us who often feel isolated to reach out and connect with people in a rather safe format.
You are in my thoughts. Imagine me giving you a big hug. :)
James, thank so much for your posotive attitude and your support they mean the world to me!
Thanks for the cyber hugs they are greatly appreciated.
I agree that the internet is a powerful tool for people like us to reach out and touch somebody in a safe way.
Marie, it's good that you recognize the signs and hopefully that can help you try and take steps to help yourself. I think once you move out, you will be on your way to feeling much better. I know it's not this simple, but try to make a choice not to let it overtake you. You're worth it!! xo
Jen, thanks
I am doing the best I can with all of it right now.
Hope the depression eases quickly.
Thinking of you.
Sid,
Thanks so much! Your support is greatly appreciated.
Marie,
Looks like there will be changes in your life that are coming up - new job, new location. Those things can create a lot of stress. Don't underestimate it. It's a lot to handle, and it's easy to fall into depression. Try to take things one step at a time. It may feel overwhelming, but also remember - you are not alone.
Take care, and be good to yourself.
Marie, first off, forgive me for not posting -- i didnt know u changed the name of your blog *red face*, but i'm here now and have added your blog(s) to my Favorites.
family shit can be a real bitch i know. believe me, i know. so you're not alone. hopefully tho, once you move back to Vegas, things will start looking better for you. here's a big ole hug from me to you
(((((((((((((Marie)))))))))))))
take care of yourself because there's only one YOU.
and thank YOU for the words of encouragement to my blog *smile*
Marie,
I have also noticed that stress tends to trigger depresson (and mixed states). When I started a new job several years ago, I fell into a deep depression, which later turned into a mixed episode and was followed by several months of hypomania. I also tend to eat and sleep more when depressed and become very antisocial.....the hopelessness and pessimism is what makes the depression so unbearable. I know it is probably hard for you to believe that things will get better (as I know it is for me when I am depressed), but I hope that you will be able to find the support and help you need to make it through this difficult time, and somehow find comfort in the knowledge that there are others who can understand what you are going through. You are in my thoughts and prayers,
Kira
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