- To cease to feel resentment against an offender
2. To give up claim to requital from an offender
3. To grant relief from payment
From the last post on the poetry blog my faithful readers know what I am trying to forgive and heal from. Definition number 2 of forgiveness is what is hindering me to completeing the healing process and finally moving on with my life.
In The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis describe two elements of forgiveness. One is that we give up anger against the offender and no longer hold the offender to blame; you excuse them for what they did to you. Ellen Bass in one of her workshops said "Why Should You? First they steal everything else from you and then they want forgiveness too? Let them get their own. You've given enough." (I think Daily Dose can appreciate that statement).
The second is that you no longer try to get any form of compensation from the offender (an apology, acknowledgement of guilt, or financial). The first element is NOT crucial to healing but the second element is. It is the second element I am currently struggling with.
I had a conversation with my roomate and she offered an objective opinion. She told me that the people who have offended me have already moved on with their lives and if I am waiting for an ounce of validation or an apology I will never have the life I so richly deserve. She is RIGHT!
I realize now that this is the very thing that is hindering me in every aspect of my life. It is time to break free and let go. Some days I think I am almost there but then I stumble and fall. It is a work in progress.
6 comments:
As you said, "It's a work in progress."
These things take time..Ya know, after being abused by my EX husband for 11 years - I realized something after I left his sorry ass...
The more time that goes by and I DON'T forgive, the more I DON'T heal and move on...I realized that I was still giving him POWER over me.
That's when I forgave and healed. You can forgive from your heart and soul...but that doesn't mean you have to continue a Major relationship with the abuser.
I guess that you have to decide how deep you want the relationship to get...would their be some distance? would it be on a daily basis? Can you forgive and move on?
Do you want to have a relationship with the abuser? If so, how deep?
There is a thing called "Boundaries." And there are books on it.
Forgiveness is good for our mental well being...its a healing process and it takes time. You will get through this when the time is right for you :)
Tery
Hi Marie,
Genuine forgiveness is a grace from God. Your friend is right. Your offender has already moved on with his life and has actually erased from his mind the stigma of his misdeed. But you, by continually clinging on to the pains of the offense, remain stuck in your own pit of pent up anger and self pity. How can you move on if you harbor these feelings inside you? Why not surrender all these negative feelings to the Lord and let Him heal you? Remember the Lord's prayer? ...."forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sinned against us". It is not easy, I know. But if you ask for God's grace, you can actually do so and be able to really move on in your life.
Remember, it is very hard for us to go where we want to go if we are carrying so many excess baggages on our shoulders. Why not let Jesus lighten them up for you?
God bless you with God's graces and
the abundance of His blessings.
Forgiveness is so healing, even in little everyday things. I hope you can do this. Have a great weekend :)
DD-Wrote you a personal e-mail with my response.
Mel-I prefer the secular version of forgiveness. Only others that have been abused can really empathize. It is not self pity but genunine pain and anger. I have come a long way in my healing process. Nobody said healing is easy.
I also feel that there is nothing wrong with anger; it is how we choose to express it that can be to our detrement. Anger was one of the emotions that I refused to feel until I got into therapy.
I do feel that the anger has ran its course. I can and will forgive because I refuse to let the offenders have any more power over me. It is time I take back what belongs to me. My personal power.
JLee-It is a work in progress. I am confident I will get there soon. I am hopeful for the future. Have a great weekend.
I agree--Forgiveness is the ultimate key to healing. I'm stuck on it too. I fear I will never fully heal because I can't seem to fully forgive.
I once got some sage advice from a pastor - start with the words, and let the feelings follow. For me the thought of chanting "I forgive you" was horrifying, so I took a more conservative approach. I said it once, with as much honesty and sincerity as I could muster.
It cracked the door open ever-so-slightly. Amazingly what happened next is I forgave myself!
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