Friday, December 21, 2007
When I came home at night I was so exhausted I had no energy for exercise! Again I have been watching what I eat VERY closely! Today I wore a pair of black jeans that I have not been able to fit into in about two years. I was able to zip up these jeans without having to hold my stomach in! What a wonderful feeling that is!!!!! Little by little I am seeing the results of my efforts especially when it comes to my social situation. I feel more confident when I go out and it projects in my attitude and how I deal with other people! I feel better about myself and others do notice especially men! I do have potential in that area-Finally!!!!
This week I also got a copy of my book in the mail. I cannot begin to tell you all the feeling of accomplishment I felt! Seeing MY work in print. Only another artist can truly appreciate and understand this feeling. I ordered another copy so I can have it framed.
That is it for this week! I have do a workout tonight (the fist time I have had all week) and then go to bed! I have to teach another class tomorrow afternoon. Have a great weekend!
Saturday, December 15, 2007
I will have to find a way to balance work related goals with personal ones, I know during tax season it can get really crazy. I am an office leader so I have added
stress on me! I guess the best two ways to relieve this kind of stress is exercise and sex!
Now onto the book, some of you may have noticed the price went up a bit. I failed to realize before I pressed the publish button that I needed to allocate revenue between myself and the publisher! I fixed this little problem. I guess I am a rookie when it comes to this publishing business! To coincide with the book I have created a new blog the address is www.breakingthesilenceass.blogspot.com
I have titled the blog Breaking The silence. Please when you have time check it out!
I hope everybody has a awesome weekend!
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Some good news about the book! I have sold my first copy! How cool is that? I am still a little frustrated that I don't have the financial means to promote this book like I want to! I guess I have to be happy with word of mouth for now! For thoes of you have taken an interest in my work (you know who you are) I would like to thank you!
This week I attended a convention for work! They had an Italian buffet with all kinds of delicious food and deserts! Can we see the temptation here? So here is what I ate:
Garden Salad with a small portion of Italian dressing
Carrots and Broccoli
Peppers and Onions
2 Small meatballs
1 piece of chicken breast
1 small roll with a pat of butter
Not bad if I do say so myself! They also had cheesecake (major weakness for me) canoli and ice cream! I am glad to report that I did not touch any of the deserts or ice cream! I did not have much time this week for exercise. I think I managed to get a long walk in this week. I usually do a 30 to 40 minute workout several times a week. Unfortunately I only got in a workout twice this week! December is a very busy month as far as preparations for the upcoming tax season are concerned. I have been teaching 6 days a week and attending a lot of meetings which bore the hell out of me!
I am determined however to see this goal through! I see myself as a thinner person and I like what I see! The slower this excess baggage comes off the chances are better that I will keep it off for the long term!! I am also remain very positive and hopeful for the future whatever that may be!
Friday, November 30, 2007
I started keeping a food journal this week. I would like to share this with you!
1 cup of brown rice, green beans, 1 slice of turkey and brussel sprouts with 2 glasses of water.
50 minutes of excercise
1 cup of brown rice and 1 glass of water
1 glass of water
Chicken salad on whole wheat bread with 1tbsp of mayo with 1 glass of water
30 minutes of excercise
3 glasses of water
2 small slices of cheese pizza
1 plain doughnut
4 glasses of water
1 small bowl of pasta
2 scrambelled eggs
1 piece if whole wheat toast with 1 tsp of butter
2 glasses of water
Tuna melt on whole wheat bread 1 glass of water
40 Minutes of excercise
1 cup of pasta
1 cup of green beans
1 liter of spring water
Not bad! I know I could be doing more! It is getting a little chilly here at night so I am not walking as much as I should and I miss that! So if you diet/excercise gurus out there can offer me any tips I would appreciate them!
I hope next week will be a little bit better
Sunday, November 25, 2007
On Saturday my friend left for California and she took my out to brunch. I did make some very healthy food choices! I started off with lots of veggies and fish! The second time however, I got some eggs and hash browns Yum Yum! I figured to myself it is a holiday weekend and I need to indulge myself just a little bit! On Saturday night I had holiday leftovers but I limited myself to very small portions!
I went out Saturday evening and while I tried on a couple of outfits they did not work! I kept looking at myself in the mirror and did not like what I saw! So here I am on Sunday afternoon getting myself back on track! I am going to do an intense workout today so all the stuff I ate (healthy or not) won't catch up with me! I guess I am always going to be haunted by this body image thing! CRAP!!!!!!
I did stick to the no sweets resolution because I did drink a lot of alcohol on turkey day! So the weekend was not a total bust! I hope everybody had a wonderful turkey day!
I am not really looking forward to the next holiday coming up! People can get really weird during the holiday season. With the support of my "inner circle" I think I will be okay!
Thursday, November 15, 2007
However, now I am starting to see some of the fallout of this and for a few days it has got me a little depressed. I have not excercised in a few days and I started to fall back into some old patterns. I then stopped and thought to myself hey I had nothing to do with this directly, I was just helping a friend in need! So needless to say now I am back on track!
As we know the holiday season is approaching and I am concerned because I love to eat during this time of the year. I am concerned that I will binge eat and destroy the progress I have made. I know however, that if I eat in moderation and exercise regularly, I should be okay for the holiday season! I will strive to make better food choices and lay off sweets. I did have half of a chocolate chip cookie and it was yummy! I guess the key to this is exercising some control and eat to live and not live to eat which was such a pattern in my life!
I basically ate to fill the voids in my life. I NEVER want to go back to that place again! I also compulsively overate to survive and cope with certain situations in my life. You will ALL figure it out when the book is published.
The book is done! I uploaded my files and designed the cover. All I need now is to take some head shots for the back cover and it is good to go!
I am going to need a lot of support and advice on how to stick to my goals during the holiday season. So if any of you diet and fitness gurus out there have any suggestions please feel free to leave a comment or a message!
I wish all my friends a Happy Thanksgiving
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
I was getting ready to teach this evening and I was bitterly disappointed with my choice of outfits. It made me look and feel frumpy. My pants and shirt were floating on me. I really felt bad and a little depressed about the whole thing but I could not go teach my class with this kind of mindset. So I had to TRY and get over it!
When I came home, I ate and checked my messages. I had to make myself feel better. I really did not feel like a workout. This was one of thoes days where I just wanted to throw in the towel and say the hell with it! I knew in the back of my mind though that if didn't walk or workout I kne I would regret it. So I just did my workout.
The one thing I am beginning to find out about exercise-it makes me feel better all around. It keeps me from going into a depressive funk which I have been known to do every now and again. I remain positive and hopeful that my future is just around the corner.
I have given so much of my life away to depression, anxiety and fear. I am trying to build a life from nothing. It seems however that it is slowly coming together.
Friday, November 02, 2007
I have noticed lately that I have some definition in my legs and thighs. I guess all of the walking I have done is FINALLY starting to pay off!!! I am long away from reaching all of my goals. I guess I have to take it one day at a time. This will be hard for me because as I have said before I am VERY impatient I want this weight gone like right now!!!!
I am also changing some of the ways I eat. I take smaller portions and it seems to fill me up just fine. I will give you an example. Sunday my roommate cooked a wonderful brunch. I had a spoonful of eggs, 1 slice of bacon and 1 slice of whole wheat toast. I also had several chunks of cantalope and honeydew melon. Yum Yum! After about an hour after that I went out and walked for about 90 minutes. I feel so much better after I excercise. It really keeps me motivated. This coming from ME who HATES to excercise. The tradeoff is I am seeing some results.
Other things have changed. Instead of drinking SEVERAL cans of soda a day I am drinking more water and juice. I have also reduced my salt intake. By force of habit I always covered my food with additional salt. Now I hardly reach for the salt shaker anymore. At night after I come home from teaching I usually have a sandwhich either turkey or chicken salad on whole grain bread.
All of these things I am doing have great health benefits. I am reducing the risk of heart disease and diabetes both of which run in my family.
So this is going to be a SLOW process but in the end if I am thin and healthy it will ALL be worth it.
Friday, October 26, 2007
On Thursday I got read the riot act about how my classes are going. I got some really negative feedback and it shook me a little bit. I guess all of these changes are scaring me. I look forward to the future way to much these days. It makes me angry that certain people cannot handle my personality. In the ultra conservative enviornment I find myself in really sucks and I am tired of playing by other people's rules and expectations.
Today was the worst of all, I get the riot act from my roomate about paying the rent on time. She doesn't really understand that I am struggling to make ends meet just like she is. To make myself feel better, I exercised for at least an hour thinking about times to come.
I am still going to go on doing what I have been. My first instinct is to say the hell with the negative feedback and the added pressure and stress I have been feeling lately. I mentioned that the years of compulsive overeating has done to my body. I would like to share something I wrote about two years ago. It is not a cry for help it is just something I wrote when I was at a very low point in my life.
As I look in the mirror, what do I see? I see me, no longer a child. I now have the face and body of a woman with a sad story to tell. My beautiful brown eyes have cried for many years a well of tears from the pain. They are now hollowed from many sleepless nights not wanting the monster of the dark to come. My nose, small and pudgy, has always smelled the stench of fear, anxiety, rage, anger, self-doubt and death. My small pink lips have never kissed a first true love; they have kissed too many fancy fools.
My arms, small with just a touch of flab, have never held a lover in them or felt the soft touch of a child’s tiny hand that says, “mommy.” My legs, thin and chicken like, have always run away from pain and pleasure, love and happiness, success and responsibility and have never walked alone in a garden and never stopped to smell each flower’s sweetness. My skin, pale white and slowly wrinkling with age, is ingrained with fading pink marks that will ever remind me of my once expanding frame because I stuffed it to fill the hollowness of my soul.
My body has been slowly dying for many years. It has never felt the warmth and tenderness of a man’s touch; hiding it from them because of its ugliness and shame. I have poisoned it with drugs and alcohol, now it is prone to disease because of my destructive ways. I now often live my life on the other side of the mirror, immersed in fantasy and fiction because my reality every day is made forever clearer.
Friday, October 19, 2007
I know there will be days where I will want to throw in the towel and just say forget it! I need the support of my friends old and new to keep me motivated. The motivation for me right now is seeing the fruits of my labor. I see small but subtle changes in my body. I am a very impatient person. I want to be thin like yesterday.
My weight and body image problems have plagued me for most of my life. I find it very inspirational that some people who are overweight have such positive body images. I guess I am caught in the perfect body trap. I am a little shallow so sue me!
I mentioned that I have seen some of the fruits of my labor. I was in a bar on Tuesday evening and my friend said to me that two guys that were sitting next to us could not take their eyes off my boobs. The only thing that sucked was that they were not attractive. Okay I am shallow so what! It made me feel good that men are looking at me. I never really had that because I used to dress in frumpy oversized clothes that did nothing for me.
I guess now since I am dropping the weight, I like to dress better and wear clothes that show a little more of my body (the men in my social circle seem to appreciate that) . I have also noticed that my libido has increased dramatically! I guess it is time I write more of my erotic fantasy stories and try and get them published!
My current profile picture is going to be the thing of the past very soon. Since the weight loss, I have grown my hair a little longer which my men friends like and I have added a lot of blonde highlights. By this time next year I hope to be thin and beautiful. If you have always been thin, I don't think you can TRULY understand the struggles and the stigmas associated with being overweight. I would encourage anyone out there who reads this to send me a message. Maybe together we can be a source of support for each other.
I know this time I WILL succeed because I have already seen my thinner self.
Monday, October 01, 2007
I wrote this only this morning. It is for my soulmate whomever he is. I may have already met him or I may never meet him.
My eyes can't wait to see your beautiful face again
My lips can't wait to touch yours
My arms can't wait to hold you and never let go
My hands can't wait to touch every part of your body
My body can't wait to love you
My heart can't wait until I have yours
My soul can't wait to be with you forever
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
For now here what's going on. I started teaching on Monday and all the anxiety came back at once; the nausea the lump in my throat everything! I broke the ice by creating humor and my students seemed to enjoy it. I wasn't as prepared as I should have been there is always next time. In addition to teaching, I will be starting my certification classes on the 25th. Between teaching and classes it seems I will not have time for anything else.
I recently let a writer friend of mine read my manuscript. She suggested some changes. I recently re read the manuscript and I thought boy have I come a long way since I started writing in 2002. My goal of this book is to reach thoes who have survived what I have and continue to struggle on the path to recovery. I do not plan to write a best seller or make the best seller list (although that would be cool) but very unlikely. Now begins the intense task of editing and rewriting.
With all that is going on I am trying to look for the balance. Between teaching, taking classes and editing the book I need to find time for ME! If I don't all the work I did in recovery will be for not.
Monday, September 03, 2007
|What type of person do you attract? |
Your Result: You attract artsy people!
|You attract unstable people!|
|You attract geeks!|
|You attract Yuppies!|
|You attract rednecks!|
|You attract models!|
|What type of person do you attract?|
Quizzes for MySpace
Friday, August 31, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
We got to the bar about 9:30 and I immediately sucked down my first of MANY Budweiser's.
So friends this is where I spent the end of the evening. After the first date with Mr. Toilet Bowl I went back to the bar and talked with my friends for about half an hour until my second date with Mr. Bowl. My friend took my keys until after I was finished my date. After the second date I had some diet soda and lots of water. Since I did not eat before I drank, I was staggering my way to my date with Mr. Bowl.
Two lessons here: one-do not mix beer and hard liquor and two-always eat before a night of heavy drinking. I know these lessons and I always practice them but Saturday I threw caution to the wind. I was fortunate enough to have people there who did not let me drink and drive until I sobered up! I got home about 3am and slept my hangover off for 12 hours.
All in all it was a good day. I am blessed to have good friends who care!
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Orkut Comments & Glitters , Myspace Comments
If the spirit moves any of my blogger friends please drop me a line!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I took this what Stevie Nicks song are you (Quizilla), can anyone guess what the result was?
I encourage ALL Stevie fans in blogland (you know who you are) to take this quiz and share your results. For your viewing and listening pleasure I have included the video of this song.
Friday, August 10, 2007
The Journey Home
When you finally reach the pearly gates, you will be young and beautiful. Your heart will be pure and your soul free. The gates will open for you and bring you in. There you will be in the presence of the Three in One and they will crown you with many crowns and say to you, “well done my child, well done.”
Monday, August 06, 2007
Now onto the good stuff. Since my move last month, my roomate has noticed some changes in my attitude and behavior. She made the observation that I smile more than I used to. I guess that has something to do with the fact that I no longer live with my parents. I really did not notice it. I have noticed however that I have been eating better and sleeping more. I don't know how good that is but no one said getting over a mixed episode is an easy endeavor. I do have a new temp position. It is at a home health care/hospice facility in the medical records department. They seem to be happy with the work I am doing (at least the agency hasn't called me telling me otherwise).
There has been a little bit of drama going on (most of you know what I am talking about). Since I have made the decision to rid my life of drama, I take no stock in it and pay it no mind. I am trying to move forward with my life and my plans to publish my poetry book.
Rain did a nice post on what she is grateful for. Here is my list as short as it is.
1. My creativity. One of the things us who are bi polar have an abundance of and when it is hindered and censored in ANY way we get pissed!
2. Great support network. I am thankful that I have found Tery, Susan, Kira and Rain. They are a great source of support and encouragement to me.
3. Increased blog traffic. I am thankful for the new readers I have procured (you know who you are). I am thankful also for my faithful ones as well.
4. A new place to live. No more living with my parents.
Well friends, I have rambled on long enough. I wish everybody a pleasant evening!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
I have a history of severe anxiety. I usually avoid certain situations for fear of the unknown. During my adolescence, I locked myself in my room to survive abuse and social persecution. As an adult it was downright scary for me to go out into a social situation and be asked to interact with other people. This with time and therapy has gotten much better for me.
Onto the positive side of things. This experience will get me out of my comfort zone and build confidence. Long ago, when I started my healing journey, one of the goals I had was to do things that I felt uncomfortable doing. I am currently suffering from a bout of depression. I hope I can write and teach (with medication thrown in for good measure) my way out of this latest bout of depression and try to get stable once again.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
I have made some major changes to this blog as far as style is concerned. I have also added some new people to the blog roll. Please click on the links to visit their blogs. I have been very fortunate to acquire new readers and I am returning the favor. I would like to welcome Princess Heidi, Lady Bird and Sarah to my blogroll.
Since I have made some life changes I figured that I might as well make blog changes as well. My profile picture is a butterfly and the butterfly symbolizes change.
I hope everybody has a great weekend!
Thursday, July 26, 2007
- To cease to feel resentment against an offender
2. To give up claim to requital from an offender
3. To grant relief from payment
From the last post on the poetry blog my faithful readers know what I am trying to forgive and heal from. Definition number 2 of forgiveness is what is hindering me to completeing the healing process and finally moving on with my life.
In The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis describe two elements of forgiveness. One is that we give up anger against the offender and no longer hold the offender to blame; you excuse them for what they did to you. Ellen Bass in one of her workshops said "Why Should You? First they steal everything else from you and then they want forgiveness too? Let them get their own. You've given enough." (I think Daily Dose can appreciate that statement).
The second is that you no longer try to get any form of compensation from the offender (an apology, acknowledgement of guilt, or financial). The first element is NOT crucial to healing but the second element is. It is the second element I am currently struggling with.
I had a conversation with my roomate and she offered an objective opinion. She told me that the people who have offended me have already moved on with their lives and if I am waiting for an ounce of validation or an apology I will never have the life I so richly deserve. She is RIGHT!
I realize now that this is the very thing that is hindering me in every aspect of my life. It is time to break free and let go. Some days I think I am almost there but then I stumble and fall. It is a work in progress.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
We were on Flamingo and Jones when the truck broke down. We had to wait at least an hour for a tow truck to arrive. I was not so much bothered by that as I was telling stupid people that I was broken down. If you have the hazard lights blinking what does that tell you? I got out of the truck at least a dozen times to inform people that I was broken down. By the fifth or sixth time I was REALLY annoyed. Oh well life goes on.
After the tow truck returned the breakdown to the UHAUL place, I talked to the manager about some compensation for my aggravation. The only things they could do was to not charge me for gas and they took only $10.00 off my rental charges. I saw that this paticular truck had a recent history of breakdowns as early as Tuesday of this week. Knowing this my roomate suggested that I write a letter asking them to refund me my rental charges because they rented me faulty equipment.
The first night in my new home was interesting. I did not sleep well because I had some animal issues. My new roomate has two small puppies (they are very cute). The problem was that they did not leave my cat Duke alone. I had to hold and pat him for a good portion of the night. It got to the point that Duke began growling and hissing at the puppies. I knew then Duke was PISSED! I had to ask my roomate to take the puppies in her room so that Duke would calm down and that I could get some sleep.
Spent most of the day on Fri/Sat unpacking, and resting. I did have to rent a TV. One of the things I had to leave behind (in addition to the $50 they owe me) at my brother's house was my TV set because I could not fit it in my car on the day I was thrown out. As soon as I start getting posotive cash flow again (either by working or collecting unemployment) is saving for a new TV.
Not much else to tell except that I am glad this move is over. I hope I will not have to move again for a little while.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
I was called into the GM's office about 4:30 yesterday afternoon at which time he informed me that I was being terminated due to the fact that he recieved a bill from the placement agency for $6000.00 which he refused to pay. He went on to tell me that it is not the policy of the Westin to hire employees through placement agencies. If they had known I was from an agency they would not have hired me to begin with. So after I left, I called the agency to tell them what happened and I found out something VERY interesting. It turns out that the accounting manager (my former boss) called the agency looking to fill a position and I was available. She knew damn well that it was an agency who sent me to her and she hired me on the spot without going through proper channels. This tells me two things: one she lied right to my face and two she superceeded the chain of command because she was in desparate need to fill the position(if the hiring through agencies policy is accurate). So I asked the agency to do some investigation into this. I found out today that despite the agency bill that they were going to terminate me because they (manager and supervisor both of which I think are two faced bitches) felt that I was not picking up the work quick enough. My former boss also told me that I would have a check waiting for me today and all I had to do is come by and pick it up. So I went to by there (drove all the way from Pahrump) and there was no check there for me. As it turns out the HR director was informed of my termination this morning so she really did not have time to process a final check for me. I also asked to speak to her regarding the hiring through agencies and she did not have an answer to my question.
The way this was done was utterly dishonest and dispicable as far as I am concerned. If they were concerned about me picking up the work (after only 30 days, gimme a break)they should have told me up front instead of lying to me and playing mind games with me. This I will not condone. I am left to wonder how many others they haved fucked over in the past. This is not a kind of company I want to work for anyway. So I lost my job and the agency lost $6000.00 in revenue. How many more people will they fuck over until they get it right?
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
The dream comes to me in my bed and in the dark of night,
Every time it came, it would cause me fright.
In the dream, someone comes to my bed, breathes in my ear
and down my neck, I tried to scream what the heck!
The dream tries to grab hold of me and I try to fight back,
I am weak strength is what I lack.
I try to scream for mommy but the scream does not come,
I wanted to leap out of my bed and begin to run.
After the dream came, I forced to wake from a peaceful sleep
I tried to go back counting sheep.
I tried to fall back into slumber and the dream returns again,
Some day the dream will stop but for now, I wonder WHEN?
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
The results are clear to me. I have been sleeping more and more lately. I have seen changes in my eating habits which have caused me to gain some weight. I have not taken care of myself (personal hygiene). I know the hygiene part sounds really gross but that is what depression does; you stop caring about yourself because you think things will never get better. I go out of the house only to go to work and then I come home and play with my cat or sit on the computer and play games or blog. I am smoking a little more which I KNOW is not a good thing! It seems that I am less and less social these days which is also not a good thing. I am an extrovert by nature more so when I have had a few. So now I know without a doubt that I am experiencing a bout of depression. I just thought I was being more lazy than usual.
Even though I know this shall pass (how long this depression will last I don't know). I still feel a little hopeless. The only real thing I have to look forward to is my impending move back to Vegas in about 2 weeks. I hate this crap! It is not my intention to whine or create drama (remember no drama here). I am trying to understand why I feel the way I feel.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
I am also working on a new title for the blogs and possibly changing the templates. Everybody please take care.
Monday, June 25, 2007
This quote was taken from a live performance of Sisters Of The Moon by Fleetwood Mac. I found an good interpretation of the lyrics. These interpretations are how I have been feeling about certain things for a very long time. Here are some excerpts from the interpretation.
"She asked me-- Be my sister,"
"Stevie is looking for a real friend. She needs to count on someone."
"The 'cruel people' mentioned are the fans, the public. In some way they love Stevie, but since they ask her for more and more, they are also cruel to her. And she tries never to dissapoint them.
Besides,nobody knows her closely.
None of those fans are actually her friends. She has no one so she has to rely on herself.
Nobody likes her for who she really is. Does anybody know (her name) who she really is?"
"This song is about those nightmares she has to fight with."
I know this song talks about the pitfalls of fame, but some of the interpretations express some of how I have been feeling about things for a very long time (in bold italic type). I only write this as a cleansing tool. It does not reflect my current state of mind which is peaceful as I write. It continously amazes me how her lyrics speak to my soul. Of course the circumstances are diffrent but the emotions and feelings felt are the same.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
I lived my life the black hole,
As a result, I never achieved my true goal.
I woke up one day and told myself enough of this,
The search began to climb myself out of the abyss.
I needed to find someone I could trust,
That to me is a must.
Now I have found you my lending ear,
You are the first person I have let get near.
Now with you I can talk about and feel the pain,
You gave me hope, now my life will never be the same.
With you, I learned that bad things happen to GOOD people,
So no longer do I need a pew and a steeple.
With you, I learned I had to forgive myself what I did to survive,
You were there when my soul began to thrive.
With you, I learned I don’t have to forgive HIM for the treachery he infiltrated upon me,
When I found that out, I yelled, Yippee!
With you, I learned I have to forgive myself at that’s ALL,
No longer must I feel like I am a foot tall.
With you, I learned that is was NOT my fault,
That was the biggest truth that I was taught
It was one of the answers that I have always sought.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Once I was battered and torn with no place to turn
I thought my heart and soul would forever burn.
I cried out, “please make the pain stop” but no one heard my voice,
Years have gone by; I was searching for the answers to the hard
questions that life always asks,
I tried so desperately to remove all of the masks.
One day you came; a soft voice in the night that said, “come to me,”
Now alone and lonely I will no longer be.
Now that I have seen you and heard your voice, it says, “I am here, call me,”
You helped me to discover the truth that I was too blind to see.
The voice helps me regain my dark soul, out of the abyss and into the light,
Now I live no longer with fright.
The voice is one of tenderness and compassion; things that this cruel
It has given me some pretty hard whacks.
The voice says, “tell me all of doubts and fears,”
The things I have lived with for many years.
The voice is what I hear in my darkest hour; it comforts me,
It holds me, as I have always wanted to be.
The voice is the one I can only hear say that I am OKAY,
Like the child I never was, I could finally go out and play.
The voice eases my pain and sorrow of the past and
gives me hope for the future,
Now my wounded soul I can finally begin to suture.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Your Brain is Blue
Of all the brain types, yours is the most mellow.
You tend to be in a meditative state most of the time. You don't try to think away your troubles.
Your thoughts are realistic, fresh, and honest. You truly see things as how they are.
You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about your friends, your surroundings, and your life.
Friday, June 15, 2007
The staff made my first week very pleasant. They were nice and helpful. I have my own office-no cube farms here! I think I will be very happy here. I know I won't encounter some of the negativity that I did at my last casino audit job-what a relief!
The other piece of news is that my poem Love's Sweet Pain is going to be published BOTH by Poetry.com and Noble House London. These places do not pay you to publish your work. I think that really bites. You have to take baby steps to get to bigger and better things. I am thankful and grateful that my work is being recognized though and it IS getting out there! If you want to read the poem, please visit the poetry blog. It is the first of the links. Check out the comment that was made. Well, friends, I wish everybody well. Have a safe and good weekend!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
The title of the post is from Bombay Sapphires, a song on Stevie Nick's last solo record Trouble in Shangri-La (May 2001).
As most of you know I have been dealing with an most unpleasant situation. It has gone from bad to worse. Certain people have felt it necessary to involve children in the adult war. I find that kind of behavior despicable beyond words! Certain people have also felt it necessary to push my buttons and play childhood games. I will tell this person; I have had enough! It escapes me that adults my age continue to act like petulant children when they have adult responsibilities like holding down jobs and family responsibilites.
What I've done to deal with this is I wrote the involved parties letters expressing my anger, pain and outrage. I have been obssessing over this enough! It is time to cut it lose and move on with my life. These letters will NEVER be sent because I wrote them to heal my soul. I found many years ago in therapy that it is a very useful tool. I can't begin to express my feelings of relief, peace and joy. I feel that a huge burden has been lifted from my soul.
I will use another quote from the song to tell EVERYBODY what is contained in the letters.
It is blue...it is not about YOU...it is ALL true
I have just one more thing to say to the involved parties: "I'm gonna be OK because I'm movin' past YOU".
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Some of the people in my world are making me trip as well! The smallest things I do or say seem to piss people off. Everybody is mad at or criticizing me. I really can't take much more of this crap! It seems I am falling into despair and I feel like crying and telling the whole world to kiss my ass. Here is a song to express EXACTLY how I feel. Can anyone guess what this song is? I was blasting it in the car on the way home after I got the message about the job.
everybody's trying to say i'm wrong i just wanna be back where i belong world turning......i gotta get my feet back on the ground world turning.......everybody's got me down maybe i'm wrong, but who's to say what's right? i need somebody to help me thru the night
I don't mean to dump on anyone, I am just trying to vent my frustration with the world and with life in general. I usually don't get this way very often. When I do, it hits like a ton of bricks and my back's up against the wall. I hope everybody else is doing well.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW???
For my family to be at peace.
WHAT DO YOU MISS???
My friends back in Boston.
WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION???
My self respect!!!
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL???
Fresh cut grass, fresh brewed coffee and freshly baked bread.
DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC???
DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK??? Only Sometimes
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME??? Belong by Celine Dion-it has a fresh clean scent to it.
COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS??? Coffee. I aquired a taste for it while I was in college.
IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE??? A nice big piece of cherry cheesecake.
WHO IS THE LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU MAD??? A family member.
DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE??? No.
WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU??? Tell them. I express my love and appreciation for people verbally or written in a poem or card.
SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED. 7
BLONDES OR BRUNETTES??? It depends on the individual.
WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN??? My mother's cell phone.
HAVE YOU BEEN TO ANOTHER COUNTRY??? Yes, The Bahamas. I went there on vacation in May of 2000.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN??? Everett, Massachusetts USA.
FIRST JOB??? In a drug store when I was 16.
WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST??? My natural curly hair.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL??? Cry.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY??? I have not really thought about it.
HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT??? None. I did when I was younger, but you never can tell what will happen in the future.
WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE??? Yes, my mother's middle name is Marie.
DO YOU WISH ON STARS??? No.
WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE??? The middle one-I like to flip people off (only when they deserve it).
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING??? Yes it is very neat and readable.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT??? Oven roasted turkey breast.
ANY BAD HABITS??? Too many to list but here are a few: Unhealthy eating, smoking, and being a tad bit lazy at times.
WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF??? I'm not embarrassed by any of my CD's. I have a good taste in music thank-you very much.
IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU??? Yes!
WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME??? In my overactive imagination.
DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY??? Usually yes. But through a series of unfortunate events, that attitude is slowly beginning to change. I want to belive that all peopla are basically good and can be trusted.
WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD??? A doll I named Crissy.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT??? No.
DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF??? Yes, most of the time.
THING YOU ATE??? Don't remember.
SIBLINGS??? Yes one younger brother. However, we have never been very close.
YOU LIKE SUSHI??? No.
ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT??? Yes. I had an inferiority complex.
PEOPLE YOU TAG: Whomever wants to do this.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
I went to see this movie last night. ILMFAO! I especially liked the little monkey. He was funny and cute. If anyone gets a chance please go see this movie. You will laugh and cry.
In other news, I won $400.00 this week on the slot machine here in Pahrump. That money went straight to the bank. Since I am not working right now any money I get is a blessing. I went to Red Rock last night to see the movie and after I hit another $200.00 and half of that is going to the bank as well.
I am still looking for work, but there is not much here in Pahrump. I did register with the placement agency here but nothing yet. I am hoping to get back to work after the holiday weekend. I plan on returning to Vegas sometime this summer. My friend has offered me a room in her new home. I don't feel comfortable moving in until I have saved some money.
I hope everybody has a safe holiday weekend! We should however in the midst of our fun time think about the men and women of our armed forces we have lost is this disaster called IRAQ! This past week 2 soldiers from Nevada are confirmed dead! It is time we pull out and let the people of IRAQ run their own goverment. It is time to BRING OUR TROOPS HOME!
Friday, May 18, 2007
Suddenly she is awakened by the sounds of screaming and yelling by the mistress of the house in the room next to hers. She lies there thinking to herself Oh My God what has he done now and Oh My God what has she done now. She was with the mistress the night before and she KNOWS that she was drinking. Knowing this she lies there awake thinking that this cannot be good.
She tires desparately to go back to sleep but to no avail. The screaming and yelling continues along with lots of profanity thrown in for good measure. She hears the phrases such as 'Your'e a physcho' from him and 'I'll kick your ass' from mistress and 'I'll call 911' from him. She also hears the mistress express her anger at her as well. She then hears kicking and crashing of household items. She is lying there thinking she has got to leave for a while and let things cool down.
She lies there until mid-morning. She finally realizes she is not going to get any sleep so she rises and logs onto her computer. She checks and responds to e-mails and does a little blogging when her cell phone rings. It is one of her dearest friends calling to say hello. She does not want to anger the mistress any further so she takes the call outside in the warm morning sun.
Her friend tells her that the closing on her new home is rapidly approaching. She is very pleased for her friend and offers her heartfelt congratulations. Her friend offers her a room in her new home. She pauses for a moment to think about it and graciously accepts the offer. They also talk about how much fun they had working together and all the late nights they spent in the office making sure all the things that needed to get done got done. They continued to make idle chit chat until they were rudely interrupted by the mistress.
She stands by the doorway in all her morning glory and with a brash and sassy attitude says
"If you are talking about my life you are out of here!"
She turns around and gives the mistress a look that says what she talks about is nobody's business. In a huff the mistress turns and goes back into the house. She ends her phone call with her beloved friend and then carefully goes back into the house.
She sees the mistress in the kitchen and asks "Why are you so angry at me?" The mistress yells at her "Shut the hell up." Being as tenacious as she known to be (which is her only mistake) she says, "You were talking trash about me and I want to know what I did to make you so angry." Having enough the mistress with lots of anger and rage yells at her, "Get your crap and get out of MY house NOW!"
The master hearing all this continues to sit there and does nothing as it is his custom to do when mistress gets like this. This infuriates her to the point of rage. She knew in the back of her mind that this was coming. She knows enough to know when the mistress gets like this everybody suffers. She does not care so much about herself, she is concerned for the others. This is now unfortunately their cross to bear. While she is preparing to leave, she plays the events over in her head for a few moments and comes to the conclusion that it is for the best.
After her car is packed, she talks to the master and asks him to come with her. He politely refuses. She gets into the car and starts to drive away. As she is driving she is thinking that the mistress will continue to blame her for several days on end. She thinks the next time the mistress needs only to look in the mirror to see who is really to blame. She will continue to care about them ALL, only now she will have to do it as she has always done-from a distance.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
When she sees him again will it be over.
This is how I felt last week when I went to a karaoke show hosted by a old flame. At first it was very hard and emotionally charged. As the night went on, we got a chance to talk for a few minutes and I told him how I was feeling about the whole thing. I basically told him that I was hurt and given the chance he would have been good for me. I cried for a while-It was a healing tool. If you can't feel the pain it will never go away. And the dream says I want you and the dream is gone... so she stays up nights on end ..well at least there is a dream left.
We have managed to stay friendly. A small part of my heart will belong to him. So now I am waiting for the sun to come out again. I will be writing a poem about this experience, so check the poerty blog within the next few days
Sunday, April 22, 2007
My parents are moving out of Las Vegas to Pahrump on May first. I decided not to go with them. I did some research and the job market is not good out there. I will be staying with my brother until I can find a steady job and a place to live. I have been very stressed out about this. I had a job interview with a CPA on Thursday. I am sorry to say that I don't think I got it. When they tell you "Thanks for meeting with us" that sends a signal to me that things did not well. I will know for sure on Monday. I will have to go back to the temp agency and re register. I have been dragging my heels as far as packing is concerned. I am not thrilled about this move. I am a little upset with my Dad. This move was because HE is unhappy with our current living situation and so he is making everybody else around him miserable which I thinks is selfish and a little self absorbed. I guess I will just have to accept this and move on.
Now on to my writing endeavors. The book is finished. It has been for quite some time. I guess I am afraid of having it published. There is a lot in this book that will hurt my family. I am fearful that I will burn some bridges (Maybe you Dr Deb can give me some advice on this) . It seems that I have ALWAYS done or not done things just to save face with others and not thought of myself (Dr Deb maybe you can give me some insight on this).
Well I hope everybody is doing well. That is all I have for now. Please take care.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
For the last few weeks I have been working 40+ hours a week, working on very little sleep. Thank heavens for energy drinks or I would have been a goner.
Last week my mom was in the hospital with an intestinal infection but she is feeling better now. I was worried when she called me at work saying she was going to the ER. She is taking medication and watching her diet.
My aunt from South Dakota is here for a visit, she is staying about 2 weeks. Today mom and I PLANNED to take my aunt to lunch and then go to the hair salon ,a typical ladies day out. But my control freak of a father put the skids on that. Boy am I pissed! I have always said that he would be a much happier person if he LEARNED to give up just a bit of control.
Next weekend is NASCAR weekend here in Vegas. My cousin Charles from Florida is flying out for a visit. I have not seen him since his father passed away several years ago. It will be cool to see him again. I reconnected with him around Christmas when he stopped by the blog and realized that it was his "cuz" and dropped me a e-mail.
My parents are thinking about renting a house in Pahrump, so I may be moving AGAIN!
Well friends that is it for now. I hope everybody is doing well. Everybody please take care.
Monday, January 01, 2007
This may sound a little crazy, but I am looking forward to tax season. I open my office tomorrow and start training my staff. My hope is that the season will go smoothly and I achieve my goals for my office.
I hope all of my friends have a great year! I look forward to making new on and off line friends. It is not my custom to make new year resolutions, but I do have some goals. My goals are simple, to lose weight and KEEP it off, to get a new full time job and move out of my parent's home, quit smoking, find some money so I can publish my poems and to find a boyfriend. Only time will tell if I achieve these goals but I am remaining hopeful.
I wish for all my friends a prosperous 2007!