Thursday, June 28, 2007


Due to privacy concerns, I have changed by blog addresses. Please e-mail me at and I will be more than happy to send my blogger friends the new addresses.

I am also working on a new title for the blogs and possibly changing the templates. Everybody please take care.

Monday, June 25, 2007

This Has Been On My Mind

"So we make our choices but darlin there was never any choice...we listen to their voices we ignore OUR OWN voice...and when the people who gather around you do you remember that they were the most cruel...and when they ask will you be my of the moon she says no baby no."

This quote was taken from a live performance of Sisters Of The Moon by Fleetwood Mac. I found an good interpretation of the lyrics. These interpretations are how I have been feeling about certain things for a very long time. Here are some excerpts from the interpretation.

"She asked me-- Be my sister,"

"Stevie is looking for a real friend. She needs to count on someone."

"The 'cruel people' mentioned are the fans, the public. In some way they love Stevie, but since they ask her for more and more, they are also cruel to her. And she tries never to dissapoint them.

Besides,nobody knows her closely.

None of those fans are actually her friends. She has no one so she has to rely on herself.

Nobody likes her for who she really is. Does anybody know (her name) who she really is?"

"This song is about those nightmares she has to fight with."

I know this song talks about the pitfalls of fame, but some of the interpretations express some of how I have been feeling about things for a very long time (in bold italic type). I only write this as a cleansing tool. It does not reflect my current state of mind which is peaceful as I write. It continously amazes me how her lyrics speak to my soul. Of course the circumstances are diffrent but the emotions and feelings felt are the same.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Another Poem

This is the second poem I wrote for my therapist Carol it is titled With You. It talks about the lessons I learned in therapy. After I wrote it I was filled with a sense of release and hope. It also talks about hope in healing. I hope whomever reads this does get a sense of hope. Whatever we have been through, abuse, mental affliction or just feeling crappy please remember that there is hope and help out there.

With You

I lived my life the black hole,
As a result, I never achieved my true goal.
I woke up one day and told myself enough of this,
The search began to climb myself out of the abyss.

I needed to find someone I could trust,
That to me is a must.
Now I have found you my lending ear,
You are the first person I have let get near.

Now with you I can talk about and feel the pain,
You gave me hope, now my life will never be the same.
With you, I learned that bad things happen to GOOD people,
So no longer do I need a pew and a steeple.

With you, I learned I had to forgive myself what I did to survive,
You were there when my soul began to thrive.
With you, I learned I don’t have to forgive HIM for the treachery he infiltrated upon me,
When I found that out, I yelled, Yippee!

With you, I learned I have to forgive myself at that’s ALL,
No longer must I feel like I am a foot tall.
With you, I learned that is was NOT my fault,
That was the biggest truth that I was taught
It was one of the answers that I have always sought.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

A Change Of Pace

I have often been criticized that my poems have been too depressing. I guess they only see what's on to base their opinions on. That site only allows poems that are 20 lines or less. Some of my more uplifting poems are much longer and give hope to the reader. I am going to share with you the first poem I ever wrote called The Voice. It is a poem I wrote about my therapist Carol (who is now retired). When I think about her and our time together it always makes me smile. I have rewritten it since I first wrote it back in 2002. I usually don't post my poems here, but I thought it was time for an change of pace. I am going to post a diffrent one on the poetry blog. So here it is read and enjoy. Please feel free to comment and leave an honest opinion.

The Voice

Once I was battered and torn with no place to turn
I thought my heart and soul would forever burn.
I cried out, “please make the pain stop” but no one heard my voice,
I always felt like I never had a choice.
Years have gone by; I was searching for the answers to the hard
questions that life always asks,
I tried so desperately to remove all of the masks.
One day you came; a soft voice in the night that said, “come to me,”
Now alone and lonely I will no longer be.

Now that I have seen you and heard your voice, it says, “I am here, call me,”
You helped me to discover the truth that I was too blind to see.
The voice helps me regain my dark soul, out of the abyss and into the light,
Now I live no longer with fright.
The voice is one of tenderness and compassion; things that this cruel
world lacks,
It has given me some pretty hard whacks.
The voice says, “tell me all of doubts and fears,”
The things I have lived with for many years.

The voice is what I hear in my darkest hour; it comforts me,
It holds me, as I have always wanted to be.
The voice is the one I can only hear say that I am OKAY,
Like the child I never was, I could finally go out and play.
The voice eases my pain and sorrow of the past and
gives me hope for the future,
Now my wounded soul I can finally begin to suture.

Monday, June 18, 2007

My Brain Color Is....

I was looking at Dr Deb and Dream Writer's blogs and came accross this interesting blogthing quiz. I love doing these things and seeing other people's. You can really tell alot about a person. I am surprised I got the color I did. One of the symptoms of bi-polar is scattered thoughts and unbalanced brain function-interesting. I guess the brain is a complex organ that needs to be studied further.

Your Brain is Blue

Of all the brain types, yours is the most mellow.

You tend to be in a meditative state most of the time. You don't try to think away your troubles.

Your thoughts are realistic, fresh, and honest. You truly see things as how they are.

You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about your friends, your surroundings, and your life.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Good News

Well friends I have two pieces of exciting news that I would like to share with my friends! This Monday I started my new permanent job. It is at the Westin Casuarina in Las Vegas. I am responsible for auditing the casino side of the resort. I have enclosed pictues for your viewing pleasure.

The staff made my first week very pleasant. They were nice and helpful. I have my own office-no cube farms here! I think I will be very happy here. I know I won't encounter some of the negativity that I did at my last casino audit job-what a relief!

The other piece of news is that my poem Love's Sweet Pain is going to be published BOTH by and Noble House London. These places do not pay you to publish your work. I think that really bites. You have to take baby steps to get to bigger and better things. I am thankful and grateful that my work is being recognized though and it IS getting out there! If you want to read the poem, please visit the poetry blog. It is the first of the links. Check out the comment that was made. Well, friends, I wish everybody well. Have a safe and good weekend!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

"I Can See Past You To The White Sands"

"It means that I'm really trying to get over something, and though I'm freaked out about it I'm looking to the green ocean and can see past all of these problems to the incredibly beautiful white sand and the ocean beyond it. I'm gonna be OK because I am movin' past you."

The title of the post is from Bombay Sapphires, a song on Stevie Nick's last solo record Trouble in Shangri-La (May 2001).

As most of you know I have been dealing with an most unpleasant situation. It has gone from bad to worse. Certain people have felt it necessary to involve children in the adult war. I find that kind of behavior despicable beyond words! Certain people have also felt it necessary to push my buttons and play childhood games. I will tell this person; I have had enough! It escapes me that adults my age continue to act like petulant children when they have adult responsibilities like holding down jobs and family responsibilites.

What I've done to deal with this is I wrote the involved parties letters expressing my anger, pain and outrage. I have been obssessing over this enough! It is time to cut it lose and move on with my life. These letters will NEVER be sent because I wrote them to heal my soul. I found many years ago in therapy that it is a very useful tool. I can't begin to express my feelings of relief, peace and joy. I feel that a huge burden has been lifted from my soul.

I will use another quote from the song to tell EVERYBODY what is contained in the letters.

It is is not about is ALL true

I have just one more thing to say to the involved parties: "I'm gonna be OK because I'm movin' past YOU".

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Have You Ever Felt Like....

Everything in your life is going wrong? Well friends that is how I am feeling right now. I lost my temp job today. No reason was given, I just got a message telling me that I was no longer needed. I have to talk to the recruiter and see if I can get another assignment fast! It looks doubtful since I somehow screwed this one up they won't be willing to send me out any time soon. This sucks! I am major trippin on how I am going to pay my monthly bills.

Some of the people in my world are making me trip as well! The smallest things I do or say seem to piss people off. Everybody is mad at or criticizing me. I really can't take much more of this crap! It seems I am falling into despair and I feel like crying and telling the whole world to kiss my ass. Here is a song to express EXACTLY how I feel. Can anyone guess what this song is? I was blasting it in the car on the way home after I got the message about the job.

everybody's trying to say i'm wrong i just wanna be back where i belong world turning......i gotta get my feet back on the ground world turning.......everybody's got me down maybe i'm wrong, but who's to say what's right? i need somebody to help me thru the night

I don't mean to dump on anyone, I am just trying to vent my frustration with the world and with life in general. I usually don't get this way very often. When I do, it hits like a ton of bricks and my back's up against the wall. I hope everybody else is doing well.