Friday, July 31, 2009

Baby Steps

It has been an interesting two weeks. I attended my first poetry reading last week. I was so nervous when I got up to the mic to read my first poem. By the end of the night I was able to relax a little bit. The atmosphere was so laid back and casual I felt welcomed. I finally found something in life that I actually love doing. It has been a long time since I have been able to say that. Maybe this will help me alleviate some of these negative feelings I have been having lately.

Another thing that I have enjoyed doing lately is going to the community center for swimming lessons. It has been a long time since I have been in the water. I guess in some way I have been afraid of the water. The instructor has a good sense of humor and is very patient. I still need to work on my lack of coordination. I was absent the day coordination was passed out. I am someone who bumps into walls and stuff. How weird.

It seems that I will have to take my Breaking The Silence blog private as well. I have received several nasty comments on there as well. They are from the same hater as used to post on this one. Some of you know to whom I refer. It makes me sad that so many people revert to cruelty to alleviate ones own insecurities. If nothing else I feel sorry for this person.

Now onto my living situation, the best way I can deal with this is to do my best not to let this get under my skin so much.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Now I Know Where I Stand

Well as some of you know I have been experiencing some unpleasant discord in the house where I live. As of yesterday afternoon it was made clear to me excatly where I stand in this household.

I had lunch with the owner of the house and I began to share my concerns about my saftey and my on-going conflict with another member of the house. She made it clear that if it came down to me or him that I would have to be the one to go and that I had options. I thought to myself what options? Going back to live with my parents-that is definitely NOT an option. I would be trading one unhappy situation for another. This is the person who crashed her computer and now it is going to cost her a substantial amout to be fixed. It just seems to me that I am nothing else to her than a business arrangement. What happened to being friends. Silly me! This is why I aim low when it comes to dealing with other people so I don't get overly disappointed. It seems in this uncaring world I live in, I cannot really open myself up to be vulnerable. I desire to open my heart to others, it seems I have struck out again. What a sad realization this is.

It has been also made clear that I am just a guest in this house. Well here is how I see it. I am a tenant who pays the rent and I expect certain things in return. It seems all that has been happening is that these people want to use me for what I can give them. The only knocks at the door are when these people want to use my car to go pickup girlfriends and other questionable activities and nothing else. Fortunately, the owner's car has been fixed and now they don't rely on me as much anymore.

I guess what I have to do is start being more assertive and start surrounding myself with healthier people who will truly care about me but the problem is where do I find these healthier people? So I guess until this happens I will have to interact with these people at a safe and polite distance. It upsets me now that I have to this. Oh Well, life goes on!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Update And A Observation

Okay, now that the unpleasantness is over, it is time to get back to business.

One of my goals for 2009 is to quit smoking. I have tried cold turkey but that doesn't work for me! So I bought the patch and I am happy to report that I have been smoke free since Saturday of last week. Some people when they quit they get really crabby. I am fortunate enough that I have not been agitated or crabby at all. I am sure my roomates are appreciative of that as well. I still have two weeks to go on the patch and then I will see if this is going to work.

Okay onto other business, my poem, Beauty has been selected for publication. I also have entered it in a writing competition. You can view the poem on my FB page. The FB page is on the sidebar.

I have come to the unpleasant realization that a lot of men out there (especially here in Vegas) are very shallow and insecure. I was talking to one of my male roommates (the same one I got mad at last week) and he told me he would be totally turned off by a woman who had deep red stretch marks on her belly. I understand we all have insecurities and we can become shallow at times but come on already! I am thinking what the hell did I ever see in this guy? Major brain fart if you ask me!

What started this was since I have lost a considerable amount or weight I have some loose skin floating around. This guy seems to think that it can all be taken care of by exercise alone. I tend to disagree, some of it will have to be surgically removed. I am sure I am not the only one but I got suckered by the negative body image trap. Please Please I don't want to be a slave anymore, Help Me Help Me!!!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Going Private

In light of recent events, I have made the decision to take this blog private. My loyal blogger pals recieved invitation e-mails today. If anyone else would like to be added, please send me a e-mail at please include you e-mail address.

Thanks for your understanding!

Friday, July 10, 2009


The purpose of this blog is to share my thoughts and things that have happened in my daily life. It is unfortunate however, that some people continue to hate and have negative karma.

So, my message is clear to all, if you do not like what is written here take the advice of Bob Seger and "Turn The Page". You may mean well, but I will not subject myself or my readers to verbally abusive comments. They will NOT be tolerated!

If this negativity continues, I will have no choice but to continue my blog by invitation only! It is very unfortunate that I have to even consider this action since I am a firm believer in free speech!

Consider yourself warned!

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

A Moment of Clarity

Something happened to me today that I would like to share with everybody.

One of my roommates came into my room and started to accuse me of not doing something around the house. I nicely (at first) told him that I have been doing the activity in question. He was not pleased with the answer I gave him. So he starting antagonizing me about it. I asked him to leave and he refused. I tried to close the door and he blocked the door with his foot! At this point I became VERY angry to the point wanting to smack the crap out of him. We carried on for a few minutes yelling and screaming where he accused me of antagonizing him. Isin't that rich? After the incident I thought to myself why did I become so angry at something so small and insignificant? Something that had no meaning in the grand scheme of life. After I calmed down and was abel to think the answer came to me. It is two fold.

First I got angry at the fact that he showed no respect for me and my personal space when I asked him nicely to leave.

Second, he had me cornered in my personal space and I had nowhere to turn. Usually when he starts in on me, in the common areas of the house, I turn and walk away. This time however I had no way out. I felt trapped. Then it hit me later on that this incident reminded me of my childhood. Being hit from all sides with nowhere to turn. I was being abused and I also had to deal with the fact that I was a social outcast and I only had 1 friend, so my room became my sanctuary, the only place I could find comfort and solace.

I am also a little frustrated and angry that the people in this house and some of my so called friends don't know or don't seem to care about this journey I am on. Maybe their lack of interest or compassion stems from that they don't want to face their pasts and they are trying to deal with the present. They don't seem to realize that the things or circumstances in the present seem to stem from unresolved issues of the past. I understand that this is common and I try not to force this on the people around me. When I started the healing process back in 1998 I made a commitment to myself to see this journey through! I owe it to myself to do this! I owe it to myself to HEAL!!!!!!!

Sunday, July 05, 2009

New Poem


Sees through the glorious light,
Every part of beauty etches the soul,
Needs beauty to help become whole.

The ache and longing continue,
Constant in the heart sees beauty everywhere,
Instead of an ugly stare.

Clandestine love of a young heart,
Needing and yearning beauty’s path to cross,
Without it, the heart suffers loss.

Needs beauty to comfort the tired soul,
Living in a world that doesn’t care,
Crying and alone in despair.

Like two ships sailing different ways,
The path and beauty have been going,
Not one or the other knowing.

The fates say they have other things in store,
It is time to let go,
Like a stubborn child tells them NO!

So hard to let go of beauty,
It is in the heart from first to last,
It does not remind of the dark and wicked past.

Knowing there is much light ahead,
Still holds to beauty tightly,
Day by day tries to let go ever so lightly.