Thursday, November 12, 2009

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

28 Days and Counting!

I will be leaving on October 14 to attend this life changing event!
There is still time to enter your artwork for the festival!
I would like to thank everybody for their continued support. I will be performing my poetry from the book! I can't wait to be a part of this life changing event!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Another MeMe

I like doing these from time to time. This one looks good thanks JLee!

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
A piece of toast.

2. Have you ever kissed anyone named Matthew?

3. Where was your profile picture taken?
At home.

4. Can you play Guitar Hero?
No, but I would like to learn.

5. Name someone that made you laugh today.

6. How late did you stay up last night and why?
About 2am-couldn't sleep.

7. If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Yes, Southern California or Texas.

8. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
No. :(

9. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Most of my friends live out of state.

10. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
It depends.

11. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
Like it, but it has a lot of processed sugar.

12. When was the last time you cried really hard?
The day my cat Duke died.

13. Where are you right now?
At my parent's house-I am housesitting while they are on vacation.

14. What bed did you sleep in last night?
Slept on the couch.

15. What was the last thing someone bought for you?

16. Who took your profile picture?
One of my roommates.

17. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
My roommate Eric

18. Was yesterday better than today?
Yes, yesterday was Monday.

19. Can you live a day without TV?
I think so.

20. Are you mad about anything?
Not really, frustrated mostly.

21. Are you upset about anything?
See above answer.

22. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Don't know, I have never been in one.

23. Are you a bad influence?

24. Night out or night in?
Night in.

25. What items could you not go without during the day?
My phone or water.

26. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?

27. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
don't remember

28. How do you feel about your life right now?
Needs a major overhaul!

29. Do you hate anyone?
Not really, but there are people I have chosen to live without!

30. If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find?
Messages from friends and artists that I like.

31. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?

32. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Yes, and I am happy to say that I am not :)!!!

33. What song is stuck in your head
"You're The Voice"

34. Someone knocks on your window at 2am, who do you want it to be?
It's a secret! :)

35. Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?

36. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Go to work.

37. Do you think too much or too little?
Too much.

38. Do you smile a lot?

39. Who was your last missed call on your Mobile phone?
Deposit notification

40. Is there something you always wear?

41. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Doing this damn meme.

42. Did you have an exciting last weekend?

43. Have you ever crawled through a window?

44. Have you ever dyed your hair?

45. Are you wearing a necklace?

46. Are you an emotional person?
At times. I would lean toward "yes"

47. What's something that can always make you feel better?
Kind words from friends and having money.

48. Will this weekend be a good one?
I hope so.

49. What do you want right now?
To write some poems.

50. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
No-I think it might be fun though.

51. Have you ever worked in a food place?

52. Whats on your schedule for tomorrow?
Work and then going to a poetry reading.

53. Does anyone know your facebook password?

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Another Stupid Criminal

This guy was on the VH1 reality show Meagan Wants a Millionaire. He is accused of murdering his wife Jasmine Fiore. Her body was found in a suitcase in a dumpster. Her teeth and fingers were removed.
There is one thing this guy did not remove was her breast implants. This is how she was identified. So as I heard this story I immediately thought what an idiot this guy is. If you are trying to get away with murder do the job right!

Thursday, August 13, 2009


Those of you who have read and commented on my last two posts understand what I have been dealing with. Yesterday I had a epiphany about this situation.

It seems I am always quick to blame myself for how others behave. That I somehow asked for this kind of behavior. I went so far as to think I could become abusive myself. Then it hit me-this person is a drug addict! So now I am beginning to think that hey I am not crazy I am just dealing with an addict again!

I am so tired of dealing with addicts! My  abuser and his former girlfriend were alcoholics and used meth. My abuser still drinks quite a bit. I have really got to try and surround myself with a healthier group of people!

I am working so hard to make lasting changes. It seems for every step I take, I take two back!

Friday, July 31, 2009

Baby Steps

It has been an interesting two weeks. I attended my first poetry reading last week. I was so nervous when I got up to the mic to read my first poem. By the end of the night I was able to relax a little bit. The atmosphere was so laid back and casual I felt welcomed. I finally found something in life that I actually love doing. It has been a long time since I have been able to say that. Maybe this will help me alleviate some of these negative feelings I have been having lately.

Another thing that I have enjoyed doing lately is going to the community center for swimming lessons. It has been a long time since I have been in the water. I guess in some way I have been afraid of the water. The instructor has a good sense of humor and is very patient. I still need to work on my lack of coordination. I was absent the day coordination was passed out. I am someone who bumps into walls and stuff. How weird.

It seems that I will have to take my Breaking The Silence blog private as well. I have received several nasty comments on there as well. They are from the same hater as used to post on this one. Some of you know to whom I refer. It makes me sad that so many people revert to cruelty to alleviate ones own insecurities. If nothing else I feel sorry for this person.

Now onto my living situation, the best way I can deal with this is to do my best not to let this get under my skin so much.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Now I Know Where I Stand

Well as some of you know I have been experiencing some unpleasant discord in the house where I live. As of yesterday afternoon it was made clear to me excatly where I stand in this household.

I had lunch with the owner of the house and I began to share my concerns about my saftey and my on-going conflict with another member of the house. She made it clear that if it came down to me or him that I would have to be the one to go and that I had options. I thought to myself what options? Going back to live with my parents-that is definitely NOT an option. I would be trading one unhappy situation for another. This is the person who crashed her computer and now it is going to cost her a substantial amout to be fixed. It just seems to me that I am nothing else to her than a business arrangement. What happened to being friends. Silly me! This is why I aim low when it comes to dealing with other people so I don't get overly disappointed. It seems in this uncaring world I live in, I cannot really open myself up to be vulnerable. I desire to open my heart to others, it seems I have struck out again. What a sad realization this is.

It has been also made clear that I am just a guest in this house. Well here is how I see it. I am a tenant who pays the rent and I expect certain things in return. It seems all that has been happening is that these people want to use me for what I can give them. The only knocks at the door are when these people want to use my car to go pickup girlfriends and other questionable activities and nothing else. Fortunately, the owner's car has been fixed and now they don't rely on me as much anymore.

I guess what I have to do is start being more assertive and start surrounding myself with healthier people who will truly care about me but the problem is where do I find these healthier people? So I guess until this happens I will have to interact with these people at a safe and polite distance. It upsets me now that I have to this. Oh Well, life goes on!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Update And A Observation

Okay, now that the unpleasantness is over, it is time to get back to business.

One of my goals for 2009 is to quit smoking. I have tried cold turkey but that doesn't work for me! So I bought the patch and I am happy to report that I have been smoke free since Saturday of last week. Some people when they quit they get really crabby. I am fortunate enough that I have not been agitated or crabby at all. I am sure my roomates are appreciative of that as well. I still have two weeks to go on the patch and then I will see if this is going to work.

Okay onto other business, my poem, Beauty has been selected for publication. I also have entered it in a writing competition. You can view the poem on my FB page. The FB page is on the sidebar.

I have come to the unpleasant realization that a lot of men out there (especially here in Vegas) are very shallow and insecure. I was talking to one of my male roommates (the same one I got mad at last week) and he told me he would be totally turned off by a woman who had deep red stretch marks on her belly. I understand we all have insecurities and we can become shallow at times but come on already! I am thinking what the hell did I ever see in this guy? Major brain fart if you ask me!

What started this was since I have lost a considerable amount or weight I have some loose skin floating around. This guy seems to think that it can all be taken care of by exercise alone. I tend to disagree, some of it will have to be surgically removed. I am sure I am not the only one but I got suckered by the negative body image trap. Please Please I don't want to be a slave anymore, Help Me Help Me!!!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Going Private

In light of recent events, I have made the decision to take this blog private. My loyal blogger pals recieved invitation e-mails today. If anyone else would like to be added, please send me a e-mail at please include you e-mail address.

Thanks for your understanding!

Friday, July 10, 2009


The purpose of this blog is to share my thoughts and things that have happened in my daily life. It is unfortunate however, that some people continue to hate and have negative karma.

So, my message is clear to all, if you do not like what is written here take the advice of Bob Seger and "Turn The Page". You may mean well, but I will not subject myself or my readers to verbally abusive comments. They will NOT be tolerated!

If this negativity continues, I will have no choice but to continue my blog by invitation only! It is very unfortunate that I have to even consider this action since I am a firm believer in free speech!

Consider yourself warned!

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

A Moment of Clarity

Something happened to me today that I would like to share with everybody.

One of my roommates came into my room and started to accuse me of not doing something around the house. I nicely (at first) told him that I have been doing the activity in question. He was not pleased with the answer I gave him. So he starting antagonizing me about it. I asked him to leave and he refused. I tried to close the door and he blocked the door with his foot! At this point I became VERY angry to the point wanting to smack the crap out of him. We carried on for a few minutes yelling and screaming where he accused me of antagonizing him. Isin't that rich? After the incident I thought to myself why did I become so angry at something so small and insignificant? Something that had no meaning in the grand scheme of life. After I calmed down and was abel to think the answer came to me. It is two fold.

First I got angry at the fact that he showed no respect for me and my personal space when I asked him nicely to leave.

Second, he had me cornered in my personal space and I had nowhere to turn. Usually when he starts in on me, in the common areas of the house, I turn and walk away. This time however I had no way out. I felt trapped. Then it hit me later on that this incident reminded me of my childhood. Being hit from all sides with nowhere to turn. I was being abused and I also had to deal with the fact that I was a social outcast and I only had 1 friend, so my room became my sanctuary, the only place I could find comfort and solace.

I am also a little frustrated and angry that the people in this house and some of my so called friends don't know or don't seem to care about this journey I am on. Maybe their lack of interest or compassion stems from that they don't want to face their pasts and they are trying to deal with the present. They don't seem to realize that the things or circumstances in the present seem to stem from unresolved issues of the past. I understand that this is common and I try not to force this on the people around me. When I started the healing process back in 1998 I made a commitment to myself to see this journey through! I owe it to myself to do this! I owe it to myself to HEAL!!!!!!!

Sunday, July 05, 2009

New Poem


Sees through the glorious light,
Every part of beauty etches the soul,
Needs beauty to help become whole.

The ache and longing continue,
Constant in the heart sees beauty everywhere,
Instead of an ugly stare.

Clandestine love of a young heart,
Needing and yearning beauty’s path to cross,
Without it, the heart suffers loss.

Needs beauty to comfort the tired soul,
Living in a world that doesn’t care,
Crying and alone in despair.

Like two ships sailing different ways,
The path and beauty have been going,
Not one or the other knowing.

The fates say they have other things in store,
It is time to let go,
Like a stubborn child tells them NO!

So hard to let go of beauty,
It is in the heart from first to last,
It does not remind of the dark and wicked past.

Knowing there is much light ahead,
Still holds to beauty tightly,
Day by day tries to let go ever so lightly.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Daily Horoscope

Every now and again my horoscope seems to reflect what is currently going on in my life. I read mine today and I was like WOW!

Friday, Jun 26th, 2009 -- Accomplishing your long-term goals might seem like an impossible task now as you face the simple reality of where you are in your life. But there's no time for self-pity; you have important work to do today. You have a small window of opportunity, so don't waste any time. Acknowledge what isn't working and make whatever changes are necessary to get back on track.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

HTC Survivor Art Event


Submit your art work, present your workshop or performance at the 4th Annual Healing through Creativity Art Event for Survivors of TraumaTrauma Survivors and Supporters of Survivors of Trauma are invited to share art, music, writing, poetry and other creative forms at the Healing Through Creativity Festival. Connect with other trauma survivors at the event. Volunteer today.

Calling for Presenters, Performers and Artists.


When: Oct 17-24 2009Where : Heart of Virginia Foundation Center for Integrated Arts, Grandin Gardens, 1731 Grandin Rd, Roanoke, Virginia The experience helps trauma survivors and promotes community understanding.For more information visit our website and forum at for contact details.


Sunday, June 07, 2009

The Writing Is Back!!

Someone In The Crowd

Saw him sitting there in the crowd

For a moment remembered the things he has done; like a thief stole youth’s dreams, innocence and possibility with one touch, the anger, rage and pain, how through the journey the spirit cleans up the mess he made

The moment over, turn and walk away, remember what has been done to live and thrive
In a new life he has no place, no longer a face or a name, now just someone in the crowd

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Falling off the wagon...Reality Bites!!!

Some time ago I posted a list of goals that I would like to achieve during 2009. Well some of them have been a real challenge to even attempt.

One of my primary goals was to try and quit smoking. I did it once before and it really sucked. I continue to ask myself why did I start up again? I think it was I was getting one shitty job after another when I moved to Vegas. Well that excuse no longer holds water. I am doing what I want to do now-writing poetry and working for 4 months which suits me just fine. I tried to cut back to slowly ween myself off of nicotine. I went so far as to buy healthy snacks to satisfy the cravings. I am also chewing lots of gum and excessively brushing my teeth. Needless to say I am going to try the cold turkey once again. Reality Bites!

Another goal was to focus on my continued weight loss and fitness goals. I have temporarily "fallen off the wagon." I am still watching what I eat but I lack the motivation to exercise. I know my health and well being should be the ONLY motivating factor but as the cliche goes-old habits die hard. It is hard to think a different way when you are used to the negative all the time. There is some hope here. I keep imagining myself thinner and toner. If you can visualize it then it is possible and not far behind. Reality Bites Even MORE!!!! I need a motivator!!

Now onto the new book. I am happy to report that I have sold two more copies of my current book. Just like the weight loss I am lacking inspiration and motivation. I do see a little bit of light here. I have had a few ideas in my head and have been writing them down. So I am hopeful that the writing will come. Reality REALLY Bites!!!

Lastly, I wanted to attend the HTC festival this year. This goal as been achieved. I got a pretty sweet bonus comp before and after taxes. So the trip is paid for. I am going to be helping with some of the planning and marketing the event. I have sent some of you a copy of the flyer. Any help you can give me will be appreciated. It makes me feel good that I will be doing something for others as well as myself. Thankful for small things!!!

So the message of this post is clear! Marie, get up off your butt, change the tapes because your new life is waiting for you!!!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

HTC Annual Festival Dates Announced

This year's festival's dates and venue were recently announced. I am thrilled that I will be attending this year's event as a volunteer and having more of my work displayed.
When: October 17-24 2009
Where: Heart of Virginia Foundation Center for Integrated ArtsGrandin Gardens, 1731 Grandin Rd, Roanoke, Virginia
I have been asked to help promote the event on line and in the community. This is a great opportunity for me to get involved with a cause I really believe in. Most importantly I will be helping others and helping myself.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

20 Days And Counting!!

Boy let me tell you, this tax season has been kicking my ass for real!!!! I am working out of two offices this year and I have seen some real funky shit!!! April 15th will be here before you know it.

This weekend H&R Block is offering free Second Looks, you may have seen it advertised on TV and heard it on the radio this week. I will be working for the next 20 days straight. Whoa Man!

The unfortunate thing about working so many hours is that I don't have time to cook healthy meals and it seems I am eating on the go. I have started to "fall off the wagon" so to speak. I have gained a little weight back which concerns me a bit. I am thinking however that once tax season is over I will get back to my normal eating and exercise routine and the weight I gained over the last 4 months will go away. It doesn't help matters that I am still mourning the loss of Duke. Only another pet lover can truly understand that pets are a part of the family. I do however plan on adopting another cat after tax season is over.

This has been a very productive season for me. I prepared close to 200 returns up until today. I expect to prepare at least 20-30 more before April 15th. I have been keeping a close eye on my projected bonus comp and I am looking at 5k+ easy. So giving up the office leader position was very financially profitable indeed.

I will be blogging and writing poetry on a regular basis after tax season is over. I figure I can live off my bonus comp for a couple of months if I spend wisely and pay some bills a couple of months ahead. I am going to bed soon because I have a 12 hour day tomorrow. I hope everybody is doing well.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

A Relaxing Weekend

Well friends since my last post on 1/23/09 until Feburary 6 I have worked over 140 hours during the busiest time of the season. The reward was a nice paycheck on Friday! I got some of my return clients thousands of dollars in refunds. Right now in this struggling economy everybody needs their money and they need it fast!

After catching up on some bills, and buying groceries I was abel to spend some of my hard earned money on myself for a change. What a concept! I went to see one of my clients who just so happens to be a hair stylist. She redid my color, trimmed the dry ends and waxed my eyebrows. Boy do I look and feel human again!

So with the rush of the season over I do have some time to write and catch up with my on line friends. I plan to spend Sunday sleeping, cooking and reading! I hope everybody has a wonderful weekend.

Friday, January 23, 2009

I'm A 7!!!

Your Spiritual Number is Seven

You bring knowledge and wisdom into people's lives.

You are an expert in many fields, and you give excellent advice.

Right now, your life is about perfecting your skill set.

You are almost a virtuoso at the thing you love best. With some practice, you'll get there.

You are highly intelligent and intellectual. You have profound analytical skills.

But you also have the soul of an artist. You long to create.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Letters

While in therapy, Carol suggested that I write letters to those who have hurt or wronged me as a healing tool. The opportunity has now presented itself to write letters to my abuser and my parents.

I have decided to contribute these letters to the Letters from Survivors book project. I hope these letters will finally help me take that final step-resolution and moving on.

There is the possibility however that when these letters are finally written and published that they will alienate me further from my family. That is a risk I am willing to take. I am willing to accept the consequences of my actions. I am thinking well the problem then is with THEM and not me.

I am estranged and avoid contact with my abuser. I wrote him off a long time ago. I went through the motions to try and have him in my life to please my mother. I now realize that I was living a lie. I won’t do it anymore! What concerns me now is that the rest of my family will not understand why I did this.

To us as survivors the answer is clear, to finally have some closure and reclaim our lives-the lives that were interrupted when we were abused and lived in constant fear and silence.

The letters will take a lot out of me emotionally. I will write them at different times. When thoughts come into my head, I write them down and then piece them together later. That is how I wrote my book, one step at a time. It is a lot like healing, taking it one day and one step at a time.

I personally want to thank the creator of the project for presenting this wonderful opportunity. I know however that it is up to me to heal and change my life. I am hopeful if a survivor is still sitting out there living in silence and pain, may our stories and letters offer hope and inspiration.

Friday, January 09, 2009

It's That Time Again

Well friends it is that time of the year again! I am sure you are all anxiously waiting to get thoes W2's and 1099's and pulling out your hair in the process! I have found that tax season brings out the worst in people!

I am working for H&R Block again this year. I decided not to be a office leader this year due to the fact that for the last two years I haven't made any money which I think is bullshit. So in my infinite wisdom I decided to let go of that role and become a preparer. I was concerned that my clients from last year would not be able to find me. Some of them have already called me to schedule appointments. COOL!

I moved to an office where they do a lot of self-employed and rental clients-the two areas I am good at-these returns are high in billing. So needless to say I will make some money this year.

If anyone out there needs some tax questions answered please feel free to send me a e-mail.