Holy Shit....Another Epiphany, Another Failure and Another Triumph!

In my last post I talked about a woman I have come in contact with.  Since then she is no longer in the picture.


                                      The dark cloud has disappeared


Here is the epiphany....She was poison for me.  I remember how I was back then and I never, never want to go back into that dark place ever again! I did touch on this in a essay I wrote called  Safety At Any Cost which made it's way into my book.


Here is the failure....I gave her to much power over me.  This situation was causing me a lot of stress,  anxiety and anger.  I was banging fists, slamming doors...I was crazy! I need to apologize for the behavior.


Here is the victory...I was able to TRUST my instincts, and perceptions and maintain a safe distance.  I was actually afraid of her at one time.




I now see how my behavior back then impacted those around me from the other side. As the saying  goes...we all have to grow up sometime.

Reflections.....Part 2

During my various stages in the recovery process, I have learned to trust my instincts and my perceptions and my powers of observation. Which leads me into this post.












I have come in contact with a woman who is very insecure.  From watching and interacting with her I can see that people are clearly afraid to be around her and approach her. She can tend to be very rude and arrogant at times. It appears to me that she repels people from her and they don't gravitate to her.  This is very sad indeed.  Then I had one of my many epiphanies:










Oh My God, this was me!






 I am to a point where I cannot and will tolerate this kind of behavior from anybody.  However I can understand it and feel compassion.








I am now at a stage where I can safely say that I am no longer in that dark place. I am no longer so consumed with anger, rage and guilt that I make people around me miserable and nobody wants to be around.  I do at times have bouts of insecurity.  I figure well I am a work in progress.  This situation  reminds me of a poem I wrote called Nothing Is Right.  This poem was written from a very dark place while I was in utter despair.  Just going to quote a couple of lines as it pertains to this post:






                                  Nothing is right; nobody wants near, they all run away because of fear.




 Until we do some soul searching and make changes in our lives, we will always be stuck in the same place.                                 

Reflections

I recently had a conversation with a fellow co-worker.  It was about a work related issue and in the course of this conversation I was asked the question do I judge people based on this thing or that thing ( still wondering  why I was asked this question). 


My response was simple:  I form my opinions based on how people behave.


In the last several years I have been on the receiving end of some utterly atrocious and despicable  behavior from people.  Some of them I care about and some I can do without.  I am in a stage of life where I need to be around people who have good positive  Karma. 


I have had time to sit and ponder this. Here are my thoughts on this one.


We tend to form our opinions and judgments of people and situations without knowing all the facts ( I have been guilty of this too).  What makes people behave a certain way is based on upbringing, life experiences etc.  I think we  need to be more compassionate and not to be quick to judge. Try walking one day in someone else's shoes and see how you do.


So the point I am trying to make here is this:  Don't judge a book by it's cover.

I Am Back...With a Vengance....Part One

I have decided once again to pick up pen and paper.  So much crazy (and not so crazy) shit has been happening.  I know it has been a while since I had the desire to pick up a pen a paper and start writing again.


Some things are happening in my life that made this decision a easy one.  This is the one place where I can come and share my thoughts, feelings and emotions.  If no one likes it...oh well turn the page!  Now, let's get on with it.


Career Changes:  As most of my readers know,  I have struggled with the job issue.  Back in 2011, I attended Pima Medical Institute to study Veterinary Assisting.  Unfortunately, through a little soul searching and a few disappointments, I had to stop living in denial, and face the fact that this was not going to work out which is unfortunate, because I love animals!    However, I studied for and passed the Enrolled Agent exam in 2013.  I have been enrolled to practice before the IRS since December of 2013.  My friends and colleagues told me...well it's about time!  While I was studying for the exam I was working as a tax accountant.  The company went out of business so back to square one. There is more to this story which I cannot publically disclose right now.  Future blog post!  I have now been gainfully employed at a local CPA firm since January of this year.  Made it through the madness which is tax season in one piece...I think!


I know I wanted at some point to give up my career in accounting to pursue my creative endeavors.  However I need to put this back into perspective.  I know and believe that I am a talented and passionate writer.  Just look at the poetry and essays I have written over the years.  However, I need to make a living and support myself.  I like my job, helping clients and my fellow co-workers...another future blog post there too. 


To balance out my work life poetry and writing  are going to be my hobby of choice.


I will continue this post with other things such as progress in recovery, relationship status etc. later.


Just wanted to let everybody know this kid is back in the saddle!