FOR JUDE

Jude, you asked me to give you a sample from the book.  I chose the following poem.  It is called “The Voice.”  Only three verses to this one.  Please feel free to critique and give an honest opinion.  I have always said that I cannot improve without constructive criticism.  

To all of my readers, I hope you enjoy the poem.  It took a lot out of me to write it.  This book for me is a real journey.


The Voice

     Once I was battered and torn with no place to turn,
     I thought my heart and soul would forever burn.
     I cried out, “please make the pain stop” but no one heard my voice,
     I always felt like I never had a choice.
     Years have gone by; I was searching for the answers to the hard
     questions that life always asks,
     I tried so desperately to remove all of the masks.
     One day you came; a soft voice in the night that said, “come to me,”
     Now alone and lonely I will no longer be.

     Now that I have seen you and heard your voice, it says, “I am here, call me,”
     You helped me to discover the truth that I was too blind to see.
     The voice helps me regain my dark soul, out of the abyss and into the light,
     Now I no longer live with fright.
     The voice is one of tenderness and compassion; things that this cruel world lacks,
     It has given me some pretty hard whacks.
     The voice says, “tell me all of your doubts and fears,
     The things I have lived with for many years.

     The voice is what I hear in my darkest hour; it comforts me,
     It holds me, as I have always wanted to be.
     The voice is one I can only hear say that I am OKAY,
     Like the child I never was, I could finally go out and play.
     The voice eases my pain and sorrow of the past and
     gives me hope for the future,
     Now my wounded soul I can finally begin to suture.


Well there you have it campers, a small look into my soul.  The title of the book is Breaking The Silence…A Survivor’s Story.  I hope to have it completed and published sometime in 2006.
I am going to publish this work on LuLu.com.  From time to time, I will post updates on the progress and share my feelings about it.  That’s it for now.
     

THE DEATH OF A LEGEND

She was tired on that Thursday evening when she boarded the bus for home. As she sat in the middle of the section labeled "Whites Only," she is thinking about what to cook for dinner that night and what a rough day she had on the job. As the bus continues on its route, she is looking out of the window and thinking how much she hates the segregation laws. She also thinks about her work over the years fighting for civil rights. She looks up and notices that the "Whites Only" section is full now and more white people have just boarded. She knows at some point she will have to give up her seat to a white person. The driver orders all of the black people to move to the back of the bus, no one moves at first until the driver yells again and they comply...everybody except her. She is not an aggressive or defiant person by nature but she has finally had enough of being treated like a second class citizen. This is America, the land of the free and the home of the brave. The driver repeatedly shouts at her to move back and she still refuses. The driver is now visibly angry, he slams on the brakes gets out of his seat and stomps over to her and demands that she move. She still refuses to move. The driver then exits the bus and returns a few moments later with a policeman. She is immediately arrested for violating the segregation laws.




I was very sad to hear of the death of this great lady. Not only did she pioneer the civil rights movement, she also had the courage to stand up for what she believes in not matter what the cost. I am appalled that this country even had segregation laws. This country was founded on Christian principles and the belief that all people are created equal in the sight of God. I think that our founding fathers did not have segregation in mind and were rolling over in their graves. I guess the lawmakers at that time forget that little detail or simply decided to overlook it when imposing segregation. You think? We are human after all, born to make mistakes.

I remember the final scene in the film "The Long Walk Home." The two main characters (one black, one white) were standing together hand in hand behind the yellow line and people shouting at them, "Walk Nigger Walk!" Every time I watch a movie or read a book about the civil rights movement, I am constantly appalled at how we as white people have treated black people over the years. It is this hatefulness and ignorance that has continued to spawn the racism in this country. Although things have changed significantly since Mrs. Parks's day, I am sometimes ashamed to be white. However, I realize, we cannot control the actions and spoken words of others we can ONLY control ourselves.

ANOTHER SMALL STEP IN HEALING

Today I received an e-mail telling about the 7th annual National Survivors of Suicide Day sponsored by AFSP the same organization who sponsored the walk that was held earlier this month. As I have mentioned previously, I knew someone who is a victim of suicide. On November 19th victim's families and other loved ones can come together and connect with others around the country who have lost someone they loved to suicide and share their pain and their memories.

This is another small step for those who have been left behind to continue healing and to go on with their lives. I encourage all survivors to participate if you can. It only helps you more. Each small step we take to try and heal alleviates the pain a little more.

GOVERNMENT AND CONDOMS...A COMPARISON

I recieved this today. It is funny and loaded with truth and again I laughed until I almost pissed myself. Enjoy!

Whether Yee bee Republican, Democrat or Independant, this symbol is pure Governmental!

(picture of president's emblem) then (a red, white and blue condom)

Official Announcement

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damm, it doesn't get more accurate than that!

MAXINE AT HER BEST

I was sifting through my e-mail and I found these new Maxines. I like to laugh when things are getting tough, so Maxine does it for me. She and I have graduated from the college of smartassness. These are things that we all wish we could say but can't. I hope you like them as much as I do. I laughed my ass off!

1. I'm ready to listen...are you ready to think?
2. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma
3. Never go to bed angry...stay up and plot your revenge
4. Have a nice day! (someplace else)
5. Don't believe everything you think
6. Well aren't you just the most adorable black hole of need
7. Shhhh...that's the sound of nobody caring what you think
8. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
9. I don't know what your problem is...but I bet it's hard to pronounce
10. Don't make me use UPPERCASE
11. If you have something to say raise your hand and place it over your mouth
12. Before you came along we were hungry...now we're fed up!
13. You're not yourself today...I noticed the improvement immediately!
14. Would you like some cheese to go with that whine???
15. I'm busy now can I ignore you some other time???
16. Don't let your mind wander...it's too small to be let out on its own
17. You really are as pretty as a picture...I'd like to hang you
18. I'd like to give you a going-away present...first, do your part
19. I hear you changed your mind at last...what did you do with the diaper?
20. I'd like to help you out...which way did you come in?
21. There is no vaccine against stupidity!
22. Life is TOO short to dance with ugly men

So, there you have it campers, Maxine at her best. I personally like numbers 11, 15 and 17. Let me tell you why, I have a co-worker who is the resident busy body. Yes, each office has one. This person CANNOT keep her mouth shut. She is in EVERYBODY'S business! She is also very hypersensitive so therefore if I said any of these things to her, she would cry, whine and then tell my manager. It is nice to dream isn't it?

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

     Ever since I was a kid, I have always been fascinated by Hollywood and its lifestyle the glamour and glitz, the beautiful people and the MONEY!  I often fantasized about living the Hollywood life (and sometimes I still do even now).  What intrigues me the most is celebrity marriages and relationships.  We have all at one time or another read the tabloids Star and The National Enquirer to see whom in Hollywood is hooking up and breaking up.  Love and relationships are timeless they do not change, whether they are in suburbia or in Hollywood.  We poor folks in suburbia fight mostly about money and the lack of it.  I guess when two celebrities hook up they have other issues such as career aspirations, philandering, who is more successful, pressures of the media and so on.  I was in the grocery store this morning and I happened to see the latest issue of US magazine, and the latest casualties of war are Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey.   I think this one was just a matter of time.

     I have been following this story a little bit (I have more important things to do besides fascinate myself with celebrity lives) and I have heard and read that Jessica's dad is still a very influential part of her life advising her to focus more on her career than her marriage.  Is he her manager, I am not sure?  I was always under the impression that when a woman gets married her husband is the primary man in her life and her father should keep a little distance.  I guess I am a little old fashioned (but slowly changing these points of view).  If her dad is in fact her business manager then I guess he was only doing his job as manager.  I suppose with this generation anything goes.  I guess when you are young (not to imply that I am an old hag) one tends to be more career driven than love driven.  I guess they figure that they can have it all.  You can have all of the fame, fortune and power your heart desires but you will not take that crap with you to the grave.  Nothing's perfect, if it were the world would be a boring place to live in (and I hate boring).

     I am not saying that ALL celebrity marriages and relationships fail.  Look at Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson just as an example.  These two have been together  for over two decades.  No marriage or relationship is perfect, it goes through stages and it takes a lot of work.  They have managed to keep it together despite the Hollywood machine.  Maybe the younger generation should take some tips from couples that have been together a while.  Oh well, I guess that is part of growing up, something that everybody is destined to do.  A lot of us (me included) are putting it off for as long as we possibly can.

     I am anxiously awaiting the next casualty of war.  Will it be Ashton and Demi?  Only time will tell.



     

     

"COME IN OUT OF THE DARKNESS"

     This is a line from a song written by one of my favorite artists.  Can anyone guess who it is?  This post is very lengthy and is broken down into two parts.  Enjoy!

     As I have mentioned, the Out Of The Darkness community walk for suicide prevention and awareness here in Nevada was held on this past Saturday.  Due to last minute circumstances beyond my control, I was unable to participate in the walk.  I was very sad, disappointed and filled with regret that I could not walk to honor Brittany’s memory and support the cause.  However, I did get some facts about the walk but more importantly, I got a story of healing.  Approximately 150 people gathered to walk and raised several thousands of dollars for this cause.  The organizers characterized the walk as a great success.  I am going to do my best to describe the walk and its atmosphere and share my thoughts and feelings about it.

          They were gathered there together on a windy and cool but sunny autumn morning. They are gathered here to support a sad reality of their lives. Someone they loved committed suicide.  Music was played to honor the victims, tears were shed to release the pain for loved ones lost.  As the ones who are left behind to soldier on, they walk and shared stories about their loved ones and reminisced about bittersweet memories.  They are also there to send a message to others: let us be the only ones who have to live with this pain, please help us and hear our cry for help but we are not alone.  Afterwards, they rested for a while, refreshed their bodies, talked again with others, wished them well and went their separate ways.

     Even though the walk is held on an annual basis, the participants live with the pain and memories of their loved ones every day of their lives.  To me, the walk was not about raising money, it was about taking a small step in healing their broken hearts.  Let me share with you a few lines from a poem that I am working on.  It is simple in nature, but reveals a powerful truth.

     “Pain gets in and becomes a blackness that seeps into your chest,
       If you can’t feel and release it, you will never be at your best.”

     “Pain waits for you it has no place to go,
        Even though it knows that you are slow.”

     I would like to take an opportunity to send a message to someone who was at the walk that I did not get the pleasure to meet.  I am happy that you were there, walked, and took the time to feel the pain and grieve for your loved one.  I sincerely hope you will continue to heal.  Melissa Etheridge wrote, “If I am to heal, I must first learn to feel…in the ruins.”

     With that quote, let me begin the second part of the post.  This past week I have been dealing with a very unpleasant situation.  They are a common occurrence in every day life.  Angry words and feelings were exchanged, feelings hurt and people are divided.  In dealing with this situation, I had an epiphany and as a result, I am now writing and compiling a book of my poems and other writings.

     For me, this book is going to accomplish several things.  First, it is going to be my only way to express my feelings of anger, rage, frustration and sadness.  Second, it will finally tell the people in my life how I feel about things that have happened to me in my life.  It is my hope that they will FINALLY understand.  Thirdly, and most importantly it will be a big step towards healing and bringing myself (and I hope others) out of the darkness. Let me end with another quote from the same song that I referred to in the beginning.  It serves as a message to those people in my life who have no idea who I am and how I feel.

          “And the woman may be awestruck
            And the woman may truly care
            but the woman is so tired…
                   So the woman disappears...

           Come in out of the darkness”

     By writing this book and posting on this blog, I hope it will be a small step to finally “Come In Out Of The Darkness.”

LIFE...AN UPDATE

     This is first chance I have had to post in a while.  I have been busy with other things.  Let’s face it nobody will read this anyway, but here it goes.  Today I had the wonderful opportunity to go to traffic court.   It was loads of fun and excitement, I am all warm and fuzzy on the inside just thinking about it! Judging from the amount of people waiting in and outside the courthouse I guess the Las Vegas police department has met it’s quota for the month.  I am just so in love with our judicial system!

     For the last couple of months I have been working with my sister-in-law Lynette on a book that contains writings and poetry written by her late daughter Brittany.  Reading and typing these poems and writings has inspired me to rediscover my creative talents and I want to pursue a career as a freelance writer and or a poet.  I is clear to me now (so many years after the fact) that I have made the wrong career choice and I am now living with ramifications of it.  You might ask yourself why it took me years to realize I screwed up.  The answer is simple my friends, DENIAL is a very powerful force in the universe and should not be messed with.  I finally KNOW that accounting is not right for me.  I hate the 9 to 5 rat race.  It really sucks! I hate the office setting and all that goes with it Yuck!

     I am currently looking into some on line writing courses and a career change seminar at UNLV.  The writing courses I found are good.  The only problem is that I am BROKE!  This really bites the wiener!  This coming Saturday, I will be doing a walk for suicide prevention here in Las Vegas.  I have written a couple of entries on this very sensitive subject.  If the spirit moves you, please check them out and even leave a comment if you like.  I cannot improve without all forms of criticism.  You can find out more about the walk on outofthedarkness.org.  I have included a link to the website, check it out if the spirit moves you.  Well campers, that’s it for now, I will hope to post again after the walk on Saturday complete with pictures.



That’s all she wrote.