This evening I attended the first training session for new instructors. I felt sick to my stomach to the point of extreme nausea. I have not felt that kind of anxiety since my senior year in college. In that case I did hurl before taking a major exam. I was having a bi-polar moment, my thoughts were racing telling myself I can't do this, I am not competent to do this, My students will laugh at me so on and so on. My attention was diverted from the person teaching the class to my negative racing thoughts. After an hour of this, I eventually snapped out of it and tried to pay attention.
I have a history of severe anxiety. I usually avoid certain situations for fear of the unknown. During my adolescence, I locked myself in my room to survive abuse and social persecution. As an adult it was downright scary for me to go out into a social situation and be asked to interact with other people. This with time and therapy has gotten much better for me.
Onto the positive side of things. This experience will get me out of my comfort zone and build confidence. Long ago, when I started my healing journey, one of the goals I had was to do things that I felt uncomfortable doing. I am currently suffering from a bout of depression. I hope I can write and teach (with medication thrown in for good measure) my way out of this latest bout of depression and try to get stable once again.
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12 comments:
Iam always avoiding things due to my anxiety disorder...I am going to soon write about it in my blog.
I think Anxiety is one symptom of Bipolar.
I, too felt major anxiety when I first taught Creative Writing to 3rd - 6th graders (Homeschool students)...I was so nervous and nothing came out right, but eventually I got it down pat.
If you want tips let me know :)
I know that clipping anxiety so well. Most people have no fucking idea what we have to sacrifice just to live another day.
I wish I could wave a wand and take it all away. I so would.
Crippling I mean, D'oh!!
Tery, I appreciate any help that you can give me. I will be e-mailing you within the next couple of weeks. Just like my abuse, sometimes I think I am not bi-polar either. According to the research I have done, I KNOW I was abused and I am bi-polar.
James-Glad to hear from you my friend. I do agree that most people have no clue what it is like to live in our shoes. I wish they could fill them only for a day.
Did I miss something along the way..Your teaching? That is wonderful!
Being bipolar sucks and I know anxiety very well. My doctor tells me that deep breathing exercise's help and it does a little. You could also imagine everyone in the room naked with black socks on, lol. ;0)
According to my kids, I had a magic wand once...I lost it along with my sanity. I've been looking for it ever since. Sigh.
(((hugs)))
Sure, I will help you and email you later on today :)
Good for you!
Hi Marie,
You're doing fine. Just do the things you want to do without any feelings of fear or anxiety. You can overcome all the adversities you are facing now and will face in the future if you will just remain strong and positive in your outlook in life. Forget your past and just move on to a better future. Things will be alright.
God bless you with a brighter future, full of hope and dreams.
Rain-Yes you read correctly! I am teaching basic tax theory in the fall. It is WAY out of the confort zone.
Mel, glad to see you back on line. Being without your PC is quite frustrating. I decided to teach as part of getting out of the comfort zone and step into the unknown.
Anxiety keeps me from doing so many of the things I want to do. It's so unfortunate, but it seems the more we dwell on it the worse it gets.
When I'm in certain situations, it's like my body cannot be controlled by my brain. I shake so bad others probably think I have something like Parkinsons. It gets that bad. I even do it when I'm trying to talk to my doc. It's easier to just stay home. (for me, not you!! :)
Congrats on reaching out and not letting fear drive you. Something that helps me when I make presentations at work or my alma mater is to remember that I have something important to share. Even if its sharing that its normal to be nervous. :-)
Titania-I have felt anxiety like that too. It is very debilitating. Anxiety and being bi polar really sucks. We need to fight daily for the positive choice.
Carrie-Now I am having some anxiety about teaching the first class.
All I can say is, best of luck. I used to have a job teaching. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I still remember waking up each morning with this pit of dread in my stomach. Day after day, it felt like torture. Yet I held onto the job for almost 2 years because I had no other choice. When I finally got fired from it, it was the best thing that ever happened to me (even though at the time it didn't feel like it was a good thing).
Stand tall, and stay strong.
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