Happy New Year!

Well another year has come and gone. 2008 has had some major ups and downs. I look forward to 2009. I don't make resolutions. I do have goals. Here is my list of things I would like to accomplish in the new year!

Quit Smoking

Tone and reshape my body

Publish my second book of poetry

Earn or save enough money to attend the HTC arts festival in 2009

Take some art classes.


These goals are very realistic and attainable if I put my mind to it!

I hope all of my friends have a safe and happy new year's celebration!!!!

Letting Go

During the last couple of weeks I have been letting go of some things.

First off I had to let my cat Duke go by putting him to sleep. That was such a heartbreaking thing for me to do. I feel empty and so alone now it is very sad and depressing.

About a week or so ago Safe Nest came to my house to pick up clothing donations. My roommate told me to get rid of all of my oversized clothing now that I am much thinner. This was easy and hard at the same time. I have been reduced to a few pairs of pants and a couple of dresses.

I had a talk with my roommate about people who are in my life who I have met when I was in a self destructive phase. They really don't keep in touch with me at all and it is hurtful and frustrating. I told her about one person who has repeatedly pushed my buttons, used and hurt me to their advantage. She asked me why do I want to maintain a friendship with this person after all that this individual has done to cause me pain. I told her that I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and then she called me a masochist. It was then I realized that she was RIGHT!!!

The thoughts turning in my head are these, I let all of this go what do I have left? What do I have to look forward to? What can I do to replace what I have lost?

RIP!

Today I had the heart wrenching task of putting my baby Duke to sleep. This morning he was crying in pain and walking funny. I picked him up and put him on my bed. He was just lying there with his eyes open and unresponsive. It was at that point I knew I had to let him go to stop his suffering. When I put him in his carrier he was crying and whimpering in pain.

When I got to the shelter the volunteer told me that it was not from the liver problems it was due to a broken neck. I have been trying to get around how could he have broken his neck? The only thing I could come up with is that sometime during the night he injured his neck (or spinal cord) by possibly jumping off the bed.

The only thing I find comfort in is that I did the humane thing and ended his suffering. I am going to miss him terribly. However when I play back the days events I burst into tears!

Rest In Peace my friend!

Sorry To Being MIA...Again!

I have been feeling a little blah lately. I guess one could say I am a little depressed. I don't have the urge to write even though I know there is more that needs to come out!

It is a common occurrence that people get depressed during the holiday season. With the staggering unemployment rate around the country I am not surprised! I do however have my job during tax season but that is not helping me now!

I am doing some volunteer work for HTC which I think is great! I hope this will keep my mind off of things for a little bit.

Duke is doing a little better. The milk thistle treatment seems to be working. He is eating and using the litter box every day. This is very encouraging indeed.

I hope everybody has a wonderful Thanksgiving! I plan to spend the day at home with my roommates.

America Has Spoken!!!!

I am glad that this election is over! However I am thrilled that America has spoken for change. I was very impressed with the victory speech. The election is the first step. Our new president has many challenges ahead of him. He first NEEDS to unify the country before these changes can take place.

We will all be watching and waiting. We all need to do our part to make this dream of change a reality!

What's Going On

Just thought I would give you an update on what's going on. Duke (my cat) has been using the litter box for the last couple of days. I guess some of the harmful toxins are starting to come out of his body. I have been spoon feeding him for the last few days and I guess it is starting to work. I felt a little bad because I thought it was abusive, but my roommate said you are doing this because you love him and it is not considered abuse at all.

My recent temp assignment ended yesterday. I talked with the agency and they are doing their best to find me another assignment for next week. I guess since I have been making some money for them the will work to find me assignments. I just have to have a little faith that things will work out for the best.

I recently joined Facebook to promote the book, and I found a lot of people there that I went to high school with. Isin't this a small world or what? Anyway, I got a call from one of my fellow classmates last night and we talked for about 30 minutes or so. It feels so good to reconnect with old friends again. One of the things I still struggle with in the healing process is social situations. This has gotten better over time though. I am more confident and happy these days and it makes me want to reach out to people again. What a good feeling that is.

I have noticed lately that since I am not working steady, that I have been eating out of boredom, I have to be very careful here not to regress back into old behaviors. I have worked so hard to get this weight off and I will have to work even harder to keep it off. So what to do? Well I can work on my writing and finish up 3 short stories I have been working on and start walking again. I found that the local community center has a gym there and for a membership fee of $80 (for the year) I can have unlimited use of the facility. Since I am still financially strapped it will have to wait a bit.

So there you have it. A glimpse of what is going on in my exciting life. LOL!

Another MeMe!

Got this one from fellow blogger buddy Rain. She sure does loves these meme"s.

MOUTHOLOGY



Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?

A. Ranch

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?

A. I enjoy Del Taco

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?

A. I love Joe’s Crab Shack

Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?

A. The typical 20% or more if the service is really good

Q. What food could you eats every day for two weeks and not get sick of?

A: I can't think of anything I could eat every day for two weeks without getting sick

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?

A. Chicken, Mushrooms and Onions

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?

A: Butter or Cream Cheese



TECHNOLOGY



Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?

A: The Healing Through Creativity Festival Promo

Q. How many televisions are in your house?

A: Five. One in bedroom and one in the garage


BIOLOGY




Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?

A. Left-handed (we are in our right minds)


Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?

A. 3 Pounds of excess breast tissue


Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?

A. This year! Ouch!


Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?

A. My cat’s litter box filled with heavy litter


Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?

A. Nope



BULLSH*TOLOGY




Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?

A. No.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?

A. Have not thought about it much


Q. What color do you think looks best on you?

A. Coral


Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?

A. Don’t recall


Q. Have you ever saved someone’s life?

A. Yes. Mine!


Q. Has someone ever saved yours?

A. No!



DAREOLOGY




Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?

A. What’s up? I am not cheap and slutty! WTF!


Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?

A. No way man!


Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?

A. No-writing and blogging is my link to the outside world right now. I am hoping to change that.


Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?

A. If I looked good naked maybe. Working on that too!


Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?

A. Hell No!!!


Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?

A. No-there are worse things than death!

DUMBOLOGY



Q: What is in your left pocket?

A: I am currently wearing clothes without pockets



Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?

A: Never seen the movie



Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?

A: Both


Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?

A: Stand-Shit I am not ready for AARP yet!

Q: Could you live with roommates?

A: Already doing that!


Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?

A: None


Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?

A: Have not been that fortunate to have a run in with the establishment


Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?

A: Whole


Q: Who is number 1 on your top 8?

A: No one, I don’t even have a top 8.*


LASTOLOGY



Q: Last friend you talked to?

A: Charles


Q: Last person who called you?

A: A bill collector


Q: Person you hugged?

A: My roommate Trish



FAVORITOLOGY



Q: Number?

A: Don’t have one


Q: Season?

A: Summer



CURRENTOLOGY



Q: Missing someone?

A: No


Q: Mood?

A: Depressed-have to put my cat Duke down


Q: Listening to?

A: Don’t Give Up-Peter Gabriel/Kate Bush


Q: Watching?

A: Don’t watch much anymore-Last thing I really watched was the Olympics (swimming and gymnastics)


Q: Worrying about?

A: The economy



RANDOMOLOGY



Q: First place you went this morning?

A: Bathroom.


Q: What can you not wait to do?

A: Fall in love for the first time.


Q: What’s the last movie you saw?

A: Can’t remember


Q: Do you smile often?

A: Yes, but not in the last couple of days, my cat is dying!


Q: Are you a friendly person?

A: Yes

New Poems

Well friends had a burst of creative energy last night. Boy it does feel good! I wrote 2 poems for the second book. In The Darkness and The Abyss. There are both documenting my progress in the healing process. I am going to post one of them here.




In The Darkness


I

A child alone in the darkness laid waiting for his footsteps to come,
Heard them come near wanted to run.

Alone in the darkness, built an imaginary world to escape the pain, wondering would anything be the same.

In the darkness crying alone, wanting comfort and arms that are safe, alone in the darkness his little waif.


II

Many nights laid in the darkness waiting for death to come, how many ways to become undone.

In the darkness laying for hours inside self wanting to die, for so many years, living and believing the lie.

In the darkness living a starving raped soul, hoping one day to become whole.


III

Years have passed, the journey has begun, it is time now to stop and not run.

Laying in the darkness the shadows of the past come calling, many nights dreams of falling.

Falling and falling with no end in sight, wake from sleep full of fright.

Feeling the shadows hands around the throat, wake from sleep wanting to choke.

The shadow breathes in the ear, wake from sleep again to not let him near.


IV


The journey continues,no dark shadows haunt the sleep, no more in the darkness weep.

In the darkness peace is near, the darkness no longer a source of fear.

In the darkness alone crying no longer, since the journey began the heart and healing soul become stronger.

Update

Well I told everybody about my sick cat. I did some research on-line and I found a site called Holistic Pet Info .com. I read some information about liver problems in cats and I discovered a natural remedy Milk Thistle.It is a anti-oxidant that blocks and rids the liver of harmful toxins. They sell a product on this site where the active ingredient is Milk Thistle. So I am going to try this and see if he does not get better. Since it is in the early stages I am hopeful that this treatment will be effective.Another encouraging sign is that he used the litter box yesterday and he ate a little bit. It isn't much but it does give one some hope. I at least have to try this natural remedy before I make a final decision to put him down.

A Hard Decision To Make

Well I got some devastating news on Sunday. I took my cat Duke to the vet and the initial diagnosis is that he has liver failure. When the doctor told me I just burst into tears!!!! Since I am financially strapped right now I have a very hard decision to make. Do I just let nature take its course or do I have him put down? I am in no position emotionally to make this decision right now. My roommate suggested I sleep on it. Even now as I am typing this tears are rolling down my face.

HTC Arts Festival!

The festival kicked off last night! How I wish I was there! I have included some photos of the Davis Fine Arts Center. This is on the campus of West Virginia State University in Charleston, WV.

Not being able to go this year has given me a goal to shoot for, I will do the best I can to make enough money to attend next year's festival even if it is only for a couple of days!

Everybody have a great weekend!

Another MeMe!

I got this one from my fellow blogger buddy Rain. These are a lot of fun. Every now and again I will do one. So here it is!


I am: tired of hearing about this fiasco election

I think: it is time for change

I know: I am a good person

I want: to become a successful writer

I have: lived too many years in darkness

I wish: for peace and serenity

I hate: busy bodies

I will: inspire and encourage others with my words

I miss: the sounds and smells of the ocean

I fear: being alone at the end of my life

I hear: Missing by Evanescence

I crave: love

I search: for a true kindred spirit

I wonder: if the economy will get better

I regret: making some really bad choices

I love: the sun on my face

I ache: for healing

I am not: perfect and I don't want to be!

I imagine: a life filled with love, happiness and JOY!

I believe: in myself-finally!

I dance: every now and again

I sing: not very well-I would like to get better at that

I cry: when something or someone really moves me

I don't always: do the right thing

I fight: negative thinking every day

I write: good poems and short stories

I win: at on-line computer games sometimes they are fun!

I am never: going back to the place I was

I never: belittle someone's emotions

I always: strive every day to make myself better

I confuse: reality with fantasy (sometimes)

I listen to: all kinds of music

I can usually be found: right now in my sanctuary writing away

I am scared: of snakes, big dogs

I need: to feel the warmth of a mans touch

I am happy: when someone does something to help someone else


So there you have it. I know some of my answers are a little deep but they are honest. All I can be is me!

Amazon.com

Checked this site today and the book is on it and available for purchase. It has been there since Sept 15. I was under the impression that it would take another 4 to 6 weeks. What a surprise that is! All you need to do is type in the name of the book Breaking The Silence.... A Survivor's Story and it will take you right to it. Here is what it looks like.



Breaking The Silence.... A Survivor's Story by Marie Coppla (Paperback - Sep 15, 2008)
Buy new: $15.50
2 Used & new from $15.50
Get it by Monday, Oct 6 if you order in the next 18 hours and choose one-day shipping.
Eligible for FREE Super Saver Shipping.



I am so excited!!! Now it makes me want to print out the flyers and start going to the local independant bookstores around town.


I hope everybody has a great weekend.

Casualty Of A Bad Economy!

Well friends, I am unemployed once again! I'm not going to trip on this latest unfortunate event! The company I was assigned to had to lay off at least 25% of their work force. Yikes! The temps were the first to go. Isin't that how it always is though? Some of the permanent employees were let go as well. Now that really bites!

My supervisor was let go and one of my writer friends! I saw the tears in her eyes and I just gave her a big hug and offered her words on encouragement, gave her my phone number and asked her to call me sometime.

All in all this was a good experience for me. I am disappointed however that this did not go where I hoped it would go. I connected with several good people there whom I hope will stay in touch.

I contacted the agency immediately after I was told. The staffing manager said that everybody is being affected by this trying economy as well. They are not getting in the assignments in. I NEED to stay positive and hope for the best.

What to do now! Maybe this is a sign that I should be focusing on getting my book into circulation. I am also going to refile my unemployment claim. Unfortunately it is not enough to meet ALL of my monthly expenses but it is something.

I hope everybody has a great rest of the week!

It Is Finished!!

A few posts ago, I was working on a new poem for the book titled To Get To You. Well friends here is the finished product. It is very positive and uplifting. It reflects the way I have been feeling lately.


To Get To You


I am changing to get to you,
I know now it is something I have to do.
Changing to make myself whole,
No longer do I want to live in a fish bowl.
Changing to make you proud of me,
I want to be the person I know I can be.
Each day I climb out of the abyss,
There will be days however that I will miss.

A starving soul who has lost her way,
I believed all the lies what can I say.
In the darkness I have lived for many years,
I ruled my life by childish fears.

I am changing inside and out,
There are times I do live in fear and doubt.
I feel good enough to be the one you need,
So take me by the hand, I will let you lead.
I see you and want to be with you,
I want you so bad I don’t know what to do.
I hope one day our paths will cross
For now I am at a loss; you don’t even know I exist,
You are only a dream in the mist.

Every day my heart and soul grow better and stronger, I am weak no longer.
There will be days I can’t get out of my way,
I’m not perfect hey what can I say.
It is time for YOU and the rest of the world to see me,
In isolation again I will no longer be.

I smile, laugh and love to have fun,
No more do I live life on the run.
My soul is full and burning with passion,
I do not indulge tradition or any other fashion.
To the world I give my gift of the written word,
They will set free the caged bird.
No longer do I ask where do I belong,
For many years I sang that old tired song.

I do sometimes struggle with addictive behaviors,
For the longest time they have been my only saviors.
With faith and confidence in myself I will overcome
I have changed to no longer become undone.

I have changed so I can love you, me and others,
No longer will I run and hide under the covers.
With all my faults, insecurities and mistakes of the past, there is one thing I ask,
Can you see past them and be the love that will last.

With each change I make, I will no longer repeat the same mistake. With each breath I take, each step I make they lead me one step closer to you.


I also finished another poem titled After We Love. I also wrote something last night I would either like to put in poetry format, or I was toying around with the idea of possible lyrics. I will do both and see what works better. I hope you all can take something away from this poem.

Promo For Book/HTC Survivor's Confrence

Well friends I have been a busy little bee! This week I have designed a promo flyer and submitted 2 of the poems from it to the Healing Through Creativity Survivor's Confrence this October. Here is what the flyer looks like.





Title: Breaking The Silence… A Survivor’s Story
Author: Marie Coppla
Publisher: LuLu.com
Publish Date: September 1, 2008
ISBN: 978-1-4357-2125-8
Pages: 50

Synopsis: This is a collection of poems and essays documenting my survival from incest and the beginning of my healing. These poems and essays express my deepest feelings of anger, rage and sadness. They also offer hope and reaffirm that we are never alone.

Order Information: lulu.com/content/370465

Author Contact Information

Cell Phone: 702-588-3728
E-Mail: breakingthesilence2@yahoo.com

Onto other news. I read and post to a website titled Healing Through Creativity. Every year they have a 9 day conference where survivors from all over the world come and share there stories and their art. This year the conference is in West Virginia from October 10-19. Unfortunately, due to my financial situation I will be unable to attend but I done the next best thing. I have submitted two of my poems from the book; With You and No Longer Your Victim to be displayed at the conference. This is my way to show my support for this cause and to get my story out there. If these poems can offer hope and inspire others then I have succeeded! An important part of healing is a good support network!

The reason: to put this part of my life behind me and look forward to the future! If anyone who has visited my Breaking The Silence blog you will see a very profound quotation: "We were a silent hidden thought in the folds of oblivion, and we have become a voice that causes the heavens to tremble. "
Kahlil Gibran

A Little Inspired

I can gather inspiration from the weirdest places. This little thing has been in my head all night. So I thought I would share it.


If I don't take the chance I will never fall
If I don't fall I can never feel
If I don't feel I can never heal

This just popped into my head as I was listening to music and having a beer. While I listen to music sometimes I just pace and these thoughts come into my head. I don't know what it is about. Oh Well!

Fiasco in 2008!

As you all know, we have an election coming up in a few weeks. This year's election is something I never really addressed until now!

I recieved an e-mail from a writer for whom I have the greatest admiration for. The e-mail was a plea for funds to stop and raise awareness against homophobia.

One of my MySpace friends invited me to join his group Fire the US Government. I would like to share with you all the first post I wrote for this group.

I first want to thank JP for inviting me to join this group! I will tell you all as I told JP how I feel about this upcoming election.

I will NOT vote for Obama because he will gradually over time raise taxes and increase spending to an all time new high!

I will NOT vote for John McCain because those right winged conservatives in Washington will do EVERYTHING in their power to overturn Roe v Wade. If us in the artist community can band together maybe we can accomplish something.

It is my opinion that NO government entity OR "Religious" organization has NO right whatsoever to tell a woman what she can and cannot do with her body PERIOD!!!!! I am however FOR gay marriages. I think Don Henley said it best; "If you find someone to love in this world you better hang on tooth and nail because the wolf is always at the door." If two people if it be man/woman, woman/woman or man/man find love it is NEVER wrong. Love is hard to find in this world so if you are fortunate enough to find it; it is a beautiful gift!

The Play List

Here I am on day 2 of my 3 day weekend. I have done some laundry, exercised, worked on my short story and devised a play list. I have posted it on the blog. These songs reflect where I have been and where I am going. It is also just filled with stuff that I like and is cool! I have 2 play lists follow the link to view both lists.

http://www.playlist.com/user/36022442

Every song on this list has touched my heart and soul in some way. That is why I love writing and music. If something there connects with you in ANY way that connection will NEVER be broken.

Listen and enjoy!

A Little Glich!

As in my last post, I saw the book cover on amazon.com. I do want to thank Matt for pointing out that it was not available (sorry I overeacted) I am human after all. I already knew that it is unavailable when I looked on the site last week and immediately contacted the publisher.

I talked with them today to follow up and they said that they will fix the problem. It was a little wierd but I took charge to get the situation resolved. They have assured me that it will be fixed.

I have been working a little more on my short story. It is progressing nicely. The story seems to be coming together . It is a little bit of fantasy mixed with a heavy dose of reality.

I have been working 4 10's this week so I have not had much time to work on it. I am going to work on it some before I go to bed this evening.

Everybody please take care.

A Breath Of Fresh Air!!!

This is so cool I had to share it! As you all know I am working in the "Corporation State" once again where it is "business" as usual. Yuck!!!! But there is a ray of light.

I have met several people at my job who are writers just like myself. Even though our physical selves are doing the 9 to 5 thing to make ends meet, our hearts are not really there. They are with the writing and artistry.

One of my co-workers is an older lady who has written some short stories and taking classes to develop her craft. That is a thing I would like to do in the near future. There is another lady there around my age who has a desire to write children's books. She and I talked about how I did my book and the conversation went from there. Both of these ladies read my book and asked what are my plans for it. I will answer that in a little bit.

I was on a break when I talked with a man who is currently working on a children's book and a horror novel.

I feel that I have made a connection with these people. I can talk with them about my passion for my craft and share my success and ideas for future writing projects. It is so refreshing and comforting to know that there are others out there in the "corporate" world who are in a similar situation that I am in. It is my plan to make this dream a reality.

One of the security guards at "the job" read my book and she told me that I have inspired her to want to make changes and want to deal with some of the things she is going through in her life. Her remarks filled me with such an sense of accomplishment. So you see I have succeded in a small way with this book. I have touched and insipred the life of someone else.

The book is FINALLY on amazon.com. Seeing my name up there filled me with such a sense of adulation that I did not want to come down. My roommate suggested that I buy a copy of the book and send it to Oprah Winfrey. From what I have read about her, she has experienced that kind of trauma in her own life. So I finally said to myself fuck it-go for it what do I have to lose?

My other plan for distribution is to do a mass mailing to some of the independent book stores in the Las Vegas area. I plan to make flyers with the book cover and a synopsis and ordering information. I am not worrying about the cost since I will be able to write it off on my tax return.

So needless to say that I am slowly but surely working on the dream.

8 Pounds And Counting!

This is really freaking me out my friends. This goal is almost realized. When I last weighed I was 132. Today it is 128! 8 little pounds to go. It is now time for me to focus on firming and toning. I actually accomplished this goal. What a wonderful feeling this is! I see what I will look like firmed and tone and tan and it is going to look good!



With this said, I am working on a new poem detailing the internal/external changes I have made over the past year. I have the basic premis down but I am working on the details. The direction I want to take with this is more positive than some of my earlier work. The poem is titled "To Get To You". When it is finished, I will post it here.



Now on to other crap. I have been finding myself drinking a lot of beer lately. I guess I am under a little bit of stress than usual, and it is freaking me out just a little bit. But I hear myself and someone else say, "baby let it go and get to me." I guess this week I come home from "the job" and grab a Bud put my headphones on and tune the world out. The things going on in my head are really intense. I guess instead of drinking I should be writing them out. There are things going on in my head that I am not ready to share with anybody!



I have a very rich fulfilling fantasy life. Sometimes these thoughts of fantasy and future consume me that it is necessary for me at times to work themselves out in the company of my music and Budweiser! I know at some point I will have to let it go and get back to the business of reality. I realize however, that I am the only one who can change my reality. I wish he was here to say, "Please come back to the world I live in." I started a short story called "Through The Looking Glass." Please read and enjoy, I have written the beginning and the end. So please feel free to comment and critique.



Through The Looking Glass

She is getting ready to face another day in her routine life. She walks slowly down the hall until she sees the looking glass. She is standing there looking at her pretty woman face. She is wondering where she is and why she is here at this place. She asks “Who am I? How did I get here? Is there something better waiting out there for me?” As she stands there and ponders these questions, a hand reaches from the looking glass and a voice says, “Come, it is all right you have nothing to fear.” With eyes like a child’s, she takes the hand and steps into the looking glass not knowing what is ahead. Is she ready to see might what be revealed? Is she ready for her questions to maybe finally be answered?

Now she is behind the looking glass. She sees a tunnel; she is wondering what she has gotten herself into! Suddenly, she hears a voice say, “If you do not go you will never know”. With fear and hesitation she walks slowly down the tunnel until she reaches a small green house. It is wintertime; she sees children playing in the fresh white snow. Their faces are filled with laughter and joy. How she wishes back to that time; a time of childhood laughter and innocence. It seems now that she has forgotten that time in her life; or has she? Has she become so jaded over the course of time that she chose to forget? Has she truly forgotten or chose not to remember?


Once she leaves the green house she continues on down the tunnel; it suddenly becomes dark. She finds a child crying, “Help me.” She approaches the child, picks her up cradles her in her arms and says, “Please don’t cry, I will protect you and love you.” With the child in her arms she continues until she reaches another small house this time it is yellow. As she did in the green house, she enters. Another wave of fear suddenly overtakes her. They slowly go up the stairs. For some reason she feels compelled to go up the stairs because there is something there she must see. Once up the stairs she sees a glass door; she tries to enter but the door is locked from the inside. A voice says, “You can walk right through.” She walks through to find the room is a little dark. She sees a vision of a child sleeping peacefully and dark shadow looming over the bed. She and the child are scared and shout in unison, “no don’t.”












So far, this journey behind the looking glass has yielded nothing but blackness. The child is gone and she stands alone in the dark tunnel. She cries out, “Is there any light here? Am I only surrounded by darkness? When will it ever end?” She continues to walk through the tunnel, her eyes are strained as she tries to see what is ahead. She now sees a small ray of light. As she anxiously approaches, she sees the King of Hearts. He holds out his hand to her and says, “Come, it is all right you have nothing to fear. Your old journey is almost done; let me show you another life.” She cannot see his face nor does she know his name. Without hesitation she slowly walks to him. He then takes her hand and leads her into the light.

To Be Continued…

Another Milestone!

Well friends, I have reached another milestone in my life-turning 40! It is not all that bad. Actually I am kind glad to reach this point in my life.

I have reached some goals in this past year that fill me with accomplishment.

First-My weight loss goals. As some of my readers know, I set out to lose 50 pounds before my 40th birthday comes around. Well, goal accomplished! My current weight is 135. I started at 185. I have more energy and confidence and I look good! One of my friends is getting married at the end of September so I will look even better in my bridesmaid 's dress. I have changed my eating habits drastically! I lay off sweets and other problem foods. However I do indulge every now and again. I will however NOT give up beer!!!!!

Second-My book. As you know I spent several days revising and republishing my poetry book. I should start seeing it on on-line bookstores in September. There is still the matter of gathering the funds to market and promote the book. If anyone has and suggestions please let me know. Since I am now working, I am hoping to do some marketing. I first have to get caught up on my bills though! What a drag!!!

I do however have some goals in the near future. I want to lose the remaining 15 pounds by the end of the year! I know I can accomplish this. I also want to try and quit smoking. I can't lose weight and quit smoking all at once. I will drive myself and my roommates crazy in the process.

I am currently working on a second book of poetry. I hope to have this one finished sometime in 2009. I would like to take some writing classes (after I catch up on bills) and do some marketing on the existing book.

I will have to go to work and make money. I plan to treat myself to a nice dinner with some friends. One of my roommates is going to bake a cake. Yum Yum! It is my birthday after all so I can indulge a little bit!

PS-Matt, you can erase the fantasy of me moving back to Mass. It isin't going to happen!

Update

Well I know it has been a while since I have last posted. Here is what is going on. On July 4Th the compressor for our AC blew out. Since then we have had no AC in the house. So you are wondering why I have not written in a while, it has been too hot to do anything!!! Everybody (including my pets) have been trying to stay cool. I think everybody who lives in my house has sweat off at least two pounds. I have been drinking LOTS of water and running the fans. Imagine the desert in July with NO AC!! It truly sucks ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! From what I was told the repair man is coming tomorrow. Why wait so long, we all have been experiencing cash flow problems but it is getting better.

Good news on the job front. Last week I started a new temp/perm position. It will be temp for a couple of months so the agency can make its money. It is a AP position for a resort management company. I am responsible for entering all invoices for 5 properties. They are happy with my work so far. I am confident that I will be hired on sometime during the fall.

I hope everybody is doing well and staying cool, which is more than I can say for me!!!

It's A Done Deal!!!

Well friends the final draft of the book is revised, edited and approved by me! The book has an ISBN number and will be available to online book stores in about 2 months. You can also do a Google search as well. I have not changed the title or the cover! You can go to the website to see a preview of the changes.

I labored tirelessly over the last four days to get this ready. Adding content, changing page formats, fonts ect. I am truly proud of this work and it gives me a great sense of accomplishment!

The next step is marketing and promotion!


I am also working on a second collection of poems. I hope to have this book finished sometime in 2009.

Getting A Face Lift

Ha Ha made you look! The face lift is not literal but figurative. I am hardly a candidate for a face lift yet!

A friend of mine wants to make an investment to get my book into circulation, so I am making some changes to the book to make it look more professional and to obtain an ISBN number.

For those of you who have already have a copy, it is 8.5x11, I am changing it to 6.9 (the size of a small paperback). This will hopefully increase the number of pages. I am also adding some things that I omitted when I first published the book. I have included a title and copy write page, table of contents and a bibliography. I also have to include blank pages because the number of pages have to be divisible by 50. I am keeping the title and the book cover the same. So with these changes, the book will be eligible for me to obtain an ISBN number. Now onto other things.

The weight loss is in the home stretch. I have about 15 more pounds to lose before I reach my goal weight. My legs and butt are defined due to all of the exercise I have been doing. When I was younger, I was ALWAYS teased by others that I had "chicken legs" and my mother in having no ass. No wonder I developed a poor body image. What the fuck!!!!!! The only thing I REALLY have to concentrate on is my hips and stomach. I did a little research and I found out that I have a pear shaped body (which is common amongst Italian women). All excess weight is distributed to the hips and stomach. What a drag!!! I am now wearing clothes that are 4 sizes too big. This reminds me how far I have come. Since July of last year I went from a size 18/20 to a better size 10/12. What an accomplishment that is!!!!

The Result of Bad Choices Part 1

It is 3am and I am still awake. As I was lying in my bed desperately trying to sleep, the same question kept popping up: why am I still in the same place? Then it occurred to me : maybe it is because I have made some bad choices.

I guess it started many years ago when I made my career choice. I was so desperate for my father's attention and approval that I would do anything to please him. When I was growing up, my father paid a lot of attention to one of my cousins. This attention made me furious because I felt (and still do) that his attention should have been focused more on me and my brother. This cousin chose to pursue a business degree. So I figured when I decided to back to college a business degree was the way to go.

I had problems from the start. I had to take some time off due to a car accident. After the recovery, I had to find a job to catch up on bills and start saving to go back. I had trouble getting back into the swing of college life and my grades showed it. I took classes like calculus and statistics. Judging from the grades I received and statements made by my instructors it seemed to me that I had made the wrong choice. I was stubborn and decided to press on. Many years and several dead end jobs later, I finally realized that they were right. It did not help matters much that I had low concentration and battling depression due to issues that were coming to the surface. I will deal with those in another post on my other blog.

I barely got by and graduated. I mentioned I have had several dead end jobs since graduating college. Now I understand why they were dead end: I did not (and still don't) love what I was doing. Now let's move on to present circumstances.

I find myself broke and have no full time job. Between my part time position at H&R Block and unemployment it is not enough to meet ALL of my monthly expenses. If some of you remember I had a job at a local casino but was terminated due to the fact the the fat cats did not want to pay the finder's fee to the agency. After that I chose NOT to work in the gaming industry ever again and not to get ahead in business. It is so cuthroat and dishonest and I just don't want to put up with all of that bullshit!

This post is not to solicit sympathy. I alone realize I got myself into this and take responsibility for the bad choices I have made. I feel like I am stuck in a profession that does not work for me anymore (not that it ever did). I feel like I am trapped with no way out.

Recent Pics

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Here are a couple of recent pics taken of me at the H&R Block luncheon I attended yesterday. They are not the best but they are current.

Sad News From Home

I received some sad news from my dearest friend of 30 years Melissa that her mom had passed away this week. She had been sick for some time so this news is shocking but sad nonetheless.

Melissa and I have been friends since we were kids so I have known and have been close to her and her family for a long time. She told me her mom passed without pain and discomfort.

What frustrates me now is that I cannot afford to fly back to Massachusetts to be with my friend during her time of sorrow.

10 Reasons Why I Blog

I have been tagged by JLee and Mel. Now that tax season is over I can get back to blogging and my other writing projects.


1. To showcase my artistic talent. Despite negative feedback I have recieved lately on my poetry, I do feel I have been given a gift that should not be wasted.

2. To reach out to the outside world. In the past I have been somewhat of a hermit. I am thankful to say it is in the PAST!!

3. To meet and chat with very interesting people. I have made several friends through blogging (JLee, Mel, Ballerina Gurl and Tery) just to name a few.

4. To offer support and encouragement to thoes who have experienced some of the same things I have. A good support network is such an important thing to have. It lets one know that they are not alone in their struggles.

5. To read other people's point of view on a variety of topics. We are ALL diffrent. If we were all the same the world would be a very boring place to live in. I HATE BORING!!!!!

6. To stop myself from being a couch potato.

7. A good way to pass the time.

8. To develop and improve my writing skills.

9. It fuels my creativity. Changing and redesigning the blog from time to time is a very good thing.

10. A good way to stimulate the brain cells (sometimes).

It Has Been One Hell Of A Ride!!!!

Dear friends, I am sorry I have been MIA since January. My internet has been down since the first week in January. What a drag! Whenever I could I would go to the library to check e-mail and read some blogs. I have not forgotten any of my blogger friends!!!

Well here is what is going on with me. The weight loss has been progressing nicely. The only problem is my existing wardrobe is now sackcloth! I recently tried on a bathing suit I bought before my trip to the Bahamas in 2000. Quess what IT FITS!!! It is a size 10; no more full figured clothes for this kid!!! My hair has gotten a little bit longer and I love it!! I wish I had some pictures to show everybody.

Tax season is almost over. The only things I can really say is that my new client growth rate is almost 50% and my client retention is about 60%. I will be working more for H&R Block during the off season. I will be teaching a lot more classes and working in the district office. I just hope it is enough to meet my monthly expenses. I have been REALLY stressed out my financial situation. I hope it does get better soon.

I have not had much time to focus on my writing. I write a few lines here and there but nothing I can put together yet. Before tax season started working on a second book of poems. I hope during the summer I can focus a bit more on my writing. It will be hard because I have to get caught up on my financial obligations which I said before is REALLY bumming me out!!!!

Well friends that's it for now. I hope everybody is doing well.

Weight Loss Journal Part 11

I hope everybody had a wonderful new year! Given my current financial situation, I spent a quiet evening at home. I hope that was the LAST new year's I will be spending in the house!

With each day that passes I see myself getting smaller and smaller. I have noticed some feminine curves starting to take shape and definition. I have also noticed that my butt is starting to take shape as well. All of the exercise and walking are REALLY starting to pay off and I couldn't be happier. One of my roommates commented that she could see my cheekbones starting to take definition. So that tells me that I am well on my way to being thin.

If I can imagine myself as a thinner person, therefore I will be it! I have increased motivation as well. A friend of mine is getting married in the next few months so I have to be slamming to fit into my bridesmaid's dress!

With all the water I have been drinking it is making my skin more smooth and luminescence. It is important for a woman to have nice skin!

As you know tax season is well under way and I am busy already going to meetings and dealing with clients who have IRS letters. I have the morning to relax and focus on my writing. My second book of poems is well underway! I have issued a press release on my other blog. Please check it out when you can.